3 Months Missing

Where have the last three months gone? I have hardly been about in the internet world at all. I havent blogged in ages and I have used twitter only minimally.
I suppose this can be seen as a good thing, because I really only used twitter to talk about feelings I didn't want to admit openly to friends.
But in a way it is also a bad thing. It has meant that really I have not had that space where I can explore what and why things are going on in my head and I haven't really been able to touch base and take stock of actually how far I have come.

So where am I?
Well since the summer, my life has changed quite abit. I have moved in with the Partner (I will name them L for the rest of this). We have moved into a 1 bed flat that is lovely. L has left uni and has now gotten work in London (an hour and half commute). So life and routine has changed dramatically.
The dynamic has also changed a lot too.
L has been a studennt ever since we have been together. I have always worked and had my own life. Now we have our lives together, but L has the better job and L is the "more successful" carreer person.
This was a abit of a shell shock and has been difficult for me to get over, but it is ok.

I think it was harder, because at the moment I hate my job. It has started to become so boring and so petty. I think maybe the hate was emphasised by the fact that my job is no longer that important.

The problem is that I also feel slightly stuck in my job too. L works in London and commutes back to the house so doesn't get in till 8pm ish. Me on the other hand have a 10minute walk into work. This means that I am able to get home do all the house stuff and get dinner ready for us when L gets in.
If I was to move jobs, I would have to work in London. This would mean us both getting in at 8pm ish, then having to cook and eat. It would mean we would have no life at all.

The other good thing about the set up is that it allows me to do all my charity work, un interrupted before L comes home from work.
It really is the best thing for us.

But is it the best thing for me?

The other thing that has been difficult for me has been weight.
It is not that I want to lose weight, it is not that I want to eat less, it is not that I hate how I look. But I don't seem to be able to keep any weight on at the moment.
I lost a bit of weight when I moved house - almost to be expected. But since then I have been completely unable to get it back on. Even when I have got some of it back on, it comes back off again quite quickly.

I just don't know what it is.
I am eating more than I used to, but I don't feel any overly active than I was before.
The routine is difficult. I used to eat as soon as I got in from work, but now I am not eating til 8pm.

It has been difficult, but i seem to have gotten myself into a routine, but I just can't seem to get into a routine that will allow me to gain and then maintain!

The tough thing is, that all of this just sort of happened. Not because I wanted to lose weight, just because I did lose weight.

Having spent two years not really having to worry about my weight, in the last three months it has come under the spotlight.
This has meant that my ED has put my weight into the spotlight too.

So that evil little childlike voice is back, it is shouting at me saying that I don't need to gain weight.... interestingly it is not telling me to lose weight..... but it aint exactly hot on the idea of gaining either.

Its not critical, but its slightly scary.

L and I have always been close and we have always spoken about things like this. But since we have moved in together, ED wise we are further apart. I feel more alone.

I am not sure how it happened, I am not sure why I have seemed to have clam up on it all. But I have.
I am also not very sure how I am actually going to clamber this back.

I just feel, which I think is a dangerous feeling, alone with my ED.

A weird week

As promised, I am blogging. I am also blogging because I need to and can finally get this off my chest. I haven’t been able to get this off my chest in a my normal life because it sort of opens up a lot of issues if I do.

Anyways. Life took a very unexpected and difficult turn for the worse this week.

After celebrating my birthday over a long weekend off of work, I returned home on Tuesday. While I was away I had been left a few voicemails from an unknown number, so I ignores them and decided to wait until I got back (knowing that no one normally leaves me voicemails if it is urgent).

On Tuesday night I sat at home and listened to three voice mails declaring that the leaver was going to kill me. In fact, if I was to quote. He was going to “poke my eyes out and shove them up my arse”.

I sort of felt a bit scared at this and didn’t really know what to do. Didn’t really know who to turn to either.

The person who left me the messages is the ex boyfriend of a girl I mentor and who I had helped make her decision to leave him. Although according to him, it is all my fault. So on Tuesday night, he came around the house and started Effing and Jeffing at the front door.

I had no other option than to call the police.

As the sirens came around the corner, he ran and hid.

From Tuesday evening through till Friday I had police protection at the house. I continues to get even more scary messages via text and voicemail and it was all getting a little soap like to be honest.

Saturday morning, he was arrested and was given a restraining order. Saturday afternoon I was getting messages again.

Saturday evening he was re-arrested and is now in custody.

I have to say, the police have been amazing. They really have helped to put my mind at rest. They have generally supported me and I have been kind enough to give them top ups of coffee cups as often as I can.

There has been a little sense of lack of freedom and weirdness in my life.

I hate that feeling that although I had no plans to leave the house, I couldn’t easily leave.  I had a complete lack of control or freedom in my life.

Amazingly this has not affected my eating. Self harm has slightly been heightened.

I just feel and felt a bit helpless. The messages were scary and slightly reminiscent of events I have had before in my life.

So, my main problem now is that. I am generally good in a crisis, but after the crisis I am not so good. Now that I am no longer in danger, now that I don’t have a point to prove. I collapse! I then find it easier to justify my ED.

I think I made a rod for my own back by not really telling a lot of people, but I just didn’t really know how to tell people and I sort of didn’t want people to put anyone else in danger.

So, there we are. Weird week. I need to try and fight the feelings this week.

Birthday Blog

I am not writing this for anything other than to get it off my chest. I am not trying to draw attention to my birthday, nor am I looking for more “Happy Birthday, your amazing” messages.

I don’t really like birthdays.

I have never had a bad birthday, but I have never had a good birthday. I just never really bother with my birthday. I just don’t feel like I am worth it, I always feel uncomfortable.

I don’t, and have never, liked being centre of attention. I never feel comfortable when people do nice things for me. I always much prefer to be the person who does nice things for people. This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it, even if sometimes I come across as I don’t. I do, I really do. I just always feel embarrassed and un-worthy.

I had a “Discussion” with the partner this weekend because they were adamant I should go out tonight and I should not stay in alone and make myself even lower than I am already. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I hate putting people out, I just didn’t want to send out messages saying, hey come for a drink for my birthday. It feels like I’m demanding their company, like Im demanding they come and celebrate me. There’s no point, because I don’t feel like I can celebrate me. I just don’t feel worth it.

I know this coming to be a blog about how un worthy I feel, but I suppose this is the sort of feeling I have at the moment. I just feel totally unworthy and my birthday is only compounding it.

That being said… having my birthday today has actually sort of raised my mood (if you didn’t see my tweets yesterday, I basically got diagnosed with depression yesterday – i.e. more so than I usually am) so the constant happy messages have entered my subconscious and I do feel slightly better about myself and I do feel a lot happier than I did a couple of days ago.

Is this just temporary? Who knows…. I think I need to try and remember and focus on some of the nice things people have said today so that I can try and keep my mood happy and keep challenging my self-un-worth.

I’ll give it a go.

Nx

An Anorexic Restaurant Review

Probably not the sort of review the Chef would be expecting or would take much notice, but I thought it would be a fun thing to write a review of what I described as “The best meal I have ever had”.

Date: 13^th March 2011

Venue: The Maze Grill (Gordon Ramsey), Grosvenor Square, London

Entering through the automatic glass doors, you are welcomed at a reception where a member of staff takes your coats and checks your reservation. I felt that this area was a tad too small. The reception serves both The Maze and the Grill. We were a part of four and the space was filled and a bit cumbersome as we de-robed.

From here we were greeted by the matradee who took us to our seats.

There was a bit of wait before the menus arrived, which I felt was just that little bit too long. For someone who has had a difficult relationship with food, especially eating out, I found the wait a little bit too long and provided an awkward feel when really what was required was something to put me at ease.

Our waiter came over for the evening and provided the menus and offered us some water. After a short period of time, the theatrical experience truly began.

The resident meat specialist came over to explain the different cuts of meat along with the different types. I think for me, this was a little bit odd, but then I suppose if you were really into fine dining you would appreciate it. However for me point out the “healthier meat” was appreciated.

The time given for us to decide was perfect. I did feel a little under pressure but this came from the company I was with, not from the service.

So, we then moved on to the food.

Starter: White onion soup, Parmesan and garlic crostini

This was brought to the table in a bowl with just the crostini and some herbs. This made me feel a little awkward at first as there seemed to be no soup and only some oiled carbohydrates. But the unexpected theatrics really made the dish special. Once everyone else’s dishes had been served, a waiter returned to my setting with a small jug of the soup and poured this over the crostini right to the brim of my bowl. It was a simple, but magical, experience that added something – I’m not sure what – to the dish.

The soup itself was a perfect blend of flavors. For someone who loves their cheese it was disappointingly not a very cheesy dish, but it wasn’t overly flavored of onion either. The consistency of the soup was superb as well.

Two criticisms of the dish; The temperature of the soup was nuclear which made it difficult to taste at first, also the fresh herbs were still on the stalks and, although making the dish look quite spectacular when served, once they were covered in the soup and had become wilted they became quite stringy and awkward to eat.

Other dishes had around the table included the soft shell crab and also the squid. Both were also beautifully presented and flavored. The soft shell crab dish was quite large for a starter.

Main Course: Hereford grass fed, aged 25 days Sirloin 10oz.

Sides: Stilton Fries, Braised Carrots, Spinach with gruyere.

It was served on a wooden chopping board with a bulb of roasted garlic and herbs for decoration. The dish looked just as I would have expected.

The taste of the dish was totally out of this world. The meat was obviously a very good cut of meat and a very good produce, but the seasoning and the execution of its preparation was perfect.

Normally, when I go out for a steak, I would be battling to cut the fat off the top of the cut and trying to make sure that it was on the other side of the plate. I do this, not because of the obvious anorexic tendencies but, because it is generally very chewy and tasteless. This time around I wouldn’t have even realised that the fat was there if it wasn’t for the added flavor it provided.

The sides were all cooked to perfection too. For people who don’t like cheese do not get put off by the Stilton fries. The fries themselves are seasoned a lot better than the normal fries and the cheese is only used as a dip, which incidentally for my cheese loving palette was not cheesy enough.

The spinach came as more cheese than it did spinach and was a little bit awkward to share between a few people as the spinach wasn’t very finely chopped before being baked within the pot of gruyere.

No one around our table had a sauce with their main and it was not missed. The meat was moist enough and had flavors that would only be lost by any of the sauces. By not having a sauce we did not only save £2.50 we saved a lot more because my opinion is that it would have wasted the meat too.

Blackberry and Bramley Apple Crumble with Anglaise

I am not a pudding person and I almost was just going to choose the cheese board, but I really did want to try and do a full and proper 3 course meal. So I chose the crumble and I am more than glad that I did. The fruit had been soaked and baked in a form of alcohol that I could not place but the flavours were perfect.

One of the highlights of this dish was the suggested desert wine from the resident sommelier. I feel I should point out that I am quite a wine snob, I like good wine and I like a good match. This sommelier got it spot on! She recommended a desert wine that was mid-priced and not something I would normally have chosen. The suggestion that something a bit sweeter and with more honey flavouring would really complement the fruit was something I really wasn’t sure about but I can say that I don’t think I have ever known a match work better than this. I was very pleased to be wrong on this occasion because she was more than right!

Closing thoughts.

Over the last two years I have started to have a better relationship with food and have really started to enjoy the process of cooking, serving and eating good food. Good food to me is not all about eating it. I would much prefer to prepare and experiment with it too. For this reason I did not massively think I was going to enjoy this experience.

I am also not always great in overly pretentious and expensive environments. I generally feel like I don’t deserve to be there and that everyone there knows that I am not happy and am feeling so uncomfortable inside that it is a waste to serve good food to me.

The experience last night was something completely different.

Yes; the service was fantastic, the décor and feel of the restaurant was perfect for any occasion. But was it this that made this meal such a land-mark memorable event in my life? Sadly it was not.

When I sat down to the table I was feeling very self conscious and I was feeling a disturbing amount of self loathing. For the first time I did not use alcohol to reduce this feeling and to relax myself. I managed to use positive self talk and also opening up to my companions over dinner about why and what I was feeling at that present time.

My perfect meal was created by the following:

                Fantastic Décor, Fantastic service, beautiful produce that was cooked incredibly well but also the company of family who have been so patient with me over the past three years and who now truly understand me and my illness and really just want me to be happy.

Thank you Gordon, but I would also like to thank my family too.

How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can ease their pain and you can smooth some of the difficulties, but you can’t help them out of the rut that they may be in.

This does not mean that the person is a lost cause and they are doomed to a dented life. On the contrary, it just means that they are not ready to be helped.

It’s so hard to know how to deal with this type of person. In fact I was one of these people once. I never wanted to get better; I didn’t want what recovery entailed – even though I didn’t know what that might be,. The whole idea of living without my vice was so scary that I just didn’t even want to contemplate it.

Fast-forward 4 years.

I have been helped and people still help me. Something has changed.

During the time I didn’t want to be helped I was still being helped. I wasn’t being helped out of the mess I was in, in fact I was probably digging the hole deeper and deeper at the time, But I was being helped.

I was being helped to see that I did want help.

I was being helped to see that nothing would be as bad as the mess I was in.

I was being helped to see that I was worth fighting for.

And I think that is what you have to remember when you come across someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can’t help them get better, but you can help them to want the help they need.

When does a Lapse become Replapse?

I've spent the last few days thinking and talking about this quite a bit and thought it a bit of an interesting subject that I thought I would open up to the world.

Yesterday, I had a Psychology appointment and also a meeting with a good friend of mine. They were both of the thinking that my latest blip, was a blip aka a lapse and not a re-lapse. However I have been of the thinking that it has been a relapse.

I should say, that I am probably going to talk as if this is present, but it is only because it is recent, but I am on the way out of it.

For me, the main distinction this time that defines the blip as a relapse was that I was, for the first time in two years, secretive about it. I shut myself away from the world, I didn't tell - due to shame and disgust in myself - anyone about what I was doing or how bad things had gotten.

You could say that this is part and parcel of the illness and I would agree with you, some people would also argue that this would just be part of a lapse and not a relapse and I would also agree with them too.

I suppose though, that for me and for where I am in my life and recovery it is something that signifies a relapse, even though in other people I wouldn't say and would agree that it doesn't mean a relapse for everyone else.

So why for me and not for everyone else?

I think really, deep down it is because the Illness tricked me again and that is probably what it is that signifies a relapse.

Getting pulled in and getting tricked by the illness to believe that no one likes me, that I am not worth it and that all i deserved was the illness and that also the illness is the only thing that would get me through the difficult time.

That is ultimately what caused me to not tell people and this I suppose is what has made this feel more like a relapse over a lapse.

Weirdly, through talking about this and discussing/debating the issue, it has sort of un-made this a relapse. Because I have now spoken about it, but I suppose at the time when I was in the grips I was isolated, I was filled with shame and I was very much in my illness.

What do people think? what causes a lapse to become a relapse? is it just the length of time, is it when the weight goes to a level?

Body Image Phenomenon

My Body Image is all over the place.

Despite having eaten more this week than I needed and generally in a way feel inside like I'm being fat and greedy, my body image is actually really good.

By that, I look in the mirror and I am like what I see, I actually look and feel like this week I have lost weight.

Is this normal?

When I am restricting, I hate what my body looks like and I want / think I need to lose weight.

When I am eating and gaining weight, I actually feel like I'm skinny and am happy with my body and possible even feeling like I am losing weight.

Weight.

Breaking it down - Gangsta Styly

I have been sat in front of my computer thinking about a title for this blog. Thinking about what is on my mind, what is going on in my head, trying to sum it up into a headline that would express what is going to be expressed in this blog.

There isn’t really a good way to sum it up really, I just feel like a massive ball of confusion at the moment and I think I need to just break it down. Gangsta Styly. LOL (now, I have a title).

When you do wrong by doing what you think & are told is right.

Aka: Working for a large corporation when you are just a number and you are measured by the numbers you produce.

Let me explain a little further. My job is a bit of a mish mash. I am middle management, in that I am in between being a worker and a manager. 50% of my day is managing, 50% is being a worker. The problem with me is that I am bloody good at all the extra things I do and I also really enjoy that part of my job too. I am also bloody good at the work that my team do and am very quick. I however rarely am able to fit in everything I need to do in one day. Because of this I have a delicate balancing act to make every day.

At the end of last year my performance rating for the year was “Top”… Not surprising for an anorexic I suppose. I work every hour possible I strive for perfection in everything I do and the end of 2010 this was duly noted and recognised.

Going into this year, my manager and I had a conversation about how I can continue to be a top performer. The two things that resonate in my brain from this conversation were:

·         To be a top performer, working extra hours and going the extra mile to almost necessary

·         You were top performer last year due to an opportunity that you rose to, this opportunity might not come about this year, so you have to look and act like a top performer from everything down to your appearance.

So, I have to work extra hours and I have to look my best… That’s what my (at the time not so healthy) brain heard.

Fast forward two months. I’m on my way out of a relapse, I’m still really struggling. Work wise, although the management side of things have been fine. My “worker” part has suffered and my quality has gone down so much that I am effectively on a performance improvement plan.

Needless to say, this has done nothing for my self-worth and general opinion of who I am. All because I thought I was doing the right thing. I’ve worked every single hour possible. I’ve looked my best every day. But I got the balance completely wrong.

When geographical distance creates an emotional distance.

Aka: I just keep putting things off because I can get away without talking about it.

Ever since I started my relationship with my partner they have been at University. I know what I was letting myself in for. I didn’t want a long distance relationship, but I also didn’t want to lose the love of my life.

In fairness over the last 3 years we have been together we have been through worse, we have been further away from each other (The partner studies in Russia for a year). But at the moment it just feels like there is a distance between us. Like we don’t really know what is going on in each other’s lives.

We grab the odd moment’s chat here and there but I never seem to get the words out exactly about how I am feeling.

My partner is the closest person to me in the world. They know more about me than my psych does. But I just can’t seem to break down my barrier at the moment that stops me talking about my current struggles when they are happening.

·         My Partner doesn’t know how bad my relapse got (my weight got back up to normal before I saw them again)

·         My partner knows I have self harmed because they saw them, but we have not spoken about why and when, or have we spoken about how often it has happened. (A lot of my cutting at the moment is light so is heeling quite well).

·         My partner knows I am not sleeping well and I am having really bad nightmares. My partner comforts me when I wake up in the middle of the night when we are together, but she doesn’t know what these nightmares are. She doesn’t know what is causing it all.

·         My partner knows I am stressed at work but she does not know that I am on an improvement plan.

I cannot and will not blame my partner for not knowing the reasons why. It is my fault. I’m a closed book at the moment, locked shut and will not open up at all.

When no answer seems to be the right answer

Aka: life is a wonderful thing, but couldn’t it just give me one break please?

The wanting a new job and wanting to move house dilemma.

Let me start by saying there is a plan. It’s just not completely set in stone yet and it is not really a plan that either me or my partner like.

Let me break this one down a little (because I work in finance, in bullet points)

·         My Partner graduates in summer

·         We are going to live together

·         I work an hour out of London, but my partner is more likely to find work in London

·         To live together easily we need to move somewhere between

·         I really want to work in London and live closer to London.

·         My partner doesn’t yet have a job to go to

·         I don’t want to live in my current house in the summer (Housemates getting married – long story)

The problem is that short of my finding a new and more amazingly paid job, we are not going to be able to live anywhere where we want to without getting an income from my partner. This means we are pretty much stuck either apart, skint or in the house where I am. This has several problems.

I feel like

1.       I have failed and cannot provide

2.       I am not making any compromise, not moving job or house or life

3.       That I really don’t want it to happen but there is no really choice at the moment.

4.       (because of the whole work situation) I am never going to be able to move up or onwards on my career path

5.       I am useless

I just hate the whole thing. I wish I could afford to support us living in a flat together, but the only way I could do this would be to not eat!

I sort of am disappointed and annoyed that my partner hasn’t spent much time looking for work (even though they still have a degree to try and earn)

I am just fed up with it all and just want something miraculous to happen that will change the impending doom of being a couple living with a newly married couple (which incidentally sounds a lot better than the idea of me living here on my own when they are married).

But there just doesn’t seem to be a better option, even though it doesn’t feel like the right option… Meanwhile I will keep playing the lottery.

When you realise you were wrong all along

Aka: previous blogs and EDAW made me realise that I really need to go through some difficult therapy sessions to really get over the Eating Disorder.

FYI – Am no further along the road of making that step.

As I said at the very top of this blog, I am a massive ball of confusion and bad feelings at the moment. I can’t seem to pull myself out of the cycle I am stuck in. I just can’t seem to speak out to people I need to. I’ve shut my entire support network out and trying to unravel and bring anyone up to date with everything just feels impossible. I just don’t feel like I can do it, despite the fact that I don’t even want to. If I did want to, I don’t think I could.

I can’t admit my shames, embarrassments and failures. I’m just not that strong anymore.

Feeling Very Sorry for myself

Full of a cold, my nose is creating more snot than I ever thought possible and I seem to have no voice... Oh the joys of an anorexic with no immune system left to speak of.

Anyways, so I am at home and am feeling very guilt and sorry for myself for having the day off work. Part of me feels guilty because I probably could have gone in and I would have got through it ok. I just in a way couldn't be arsed to go in.

Work has been really difficult lately and my motivation for it has really taken a nose dive, so the thought of dragging myself out of bed this morning to struggle through the day with a snotty nose and limited vocal ability just wasn't very appealing.

Feel a bit guilty and a little paranoid that everyone will think that I have "pulled a sicky". I was away all weekend and they also know that I am a Birmingham City fan and I jus think that they will all think I was just hungover.

The other annoying thing about it is that I have nothing in the cupboards at all. I was meant to be going to Tesco (Other supermarkets are available, but not where I live) after work to get my weekly shop, but now I am somewhat limited on what I can do for fear of someone seeing me and dobbing me in as a skyver!

So, here I am, stuck in the house unable to do or speak to anyone and am starting to feel really crappy... as in mentally, I felt physically crappy already.

The tempatation is there to just not eat at all - it is sort of playing out that way - because there really is a limited amount of feed and nothing that could make a meal.

I have tried though, when I woke up to call in sick this morning I logged online to see if I could book an online delivery. But this was not possible until like 9pm tonight, which just seemed pointless as by then I wouldnt be able to eat til tomorrow.

Oh, I dunno. I just am feeling a little crappy and guilty really.

I also have the other dilema about my psych appointment. I go everyweek to see her and now that I am off sick, I feel like I should be confined to the house and should not be well enough to leave.. But then my appointment is an official appointment and I do sort of need it.

I think I should go, but then its the whole thing about - What if people see me? what if I get caught?

Urgh. I feel like I am trapped in my house.. I think that is the problem here. I hate thinking that I cant go out anywhere and can't do anything.

Have just texted the t'other half to see what they say about going to appt... I know they will say to still go, but then I feel that I have a reason to then.

Oh. I dunno, I mean I could technically just nip up to tesco and get bread, milk and some fruit at least then I have some stples for breakfast and lunch tomorrow.. But i would still feel guilty!

Ok, this is going to sound a lot worse than what it is, but I'm scared to leave the house... Not because of the scaryiness of the world and the unsafeness. But because of the potential that I will be seen and will get in trouble.

Im a freak! I know.... I am sure that if someone did see me, I could just say I was getting bread and milk because i'd been away all weekend and didnt have anything in.... but i'd feel bad.

I feel bad.

Urgh - I shouldnt have called in sick.

Ok. So this is going to be a difficult blog. I'm writing it remotely from an iPhone on a train and am hoping to upload it at sometime soon.

I think, no I know, this week has been very tough.

I sort of hate myself. Every year I go into edaw and people tell me I am doing too much and that I always end up suffering. I tell them that I'd suffer more by not doing it, and that all the support and awareness stuff really helps me.

But every year i end up restricting and self harming.

This year has been completely different. I've still done all the bad stuff but it's not because of the edaw stuff I've been doing, it's because edaw has made me really touch base on where I am and where I'm going.

And in truth. I was messed up before edaw.

Edaw has proved to be an amazingly good thing (in the long run) but a difficult one in the short term. Reading so much about peoples past problems and hearing them so openly type about things has made me, well jealous.

I'm so guarded about things. And I have never properly dealt with things because of it. or maybe its the other way round.

I think what im trying to say is the following:
I can live without the ed, I am in recovery. But i am never going to be totally recovered without dealing with all the stuff.

I like me, I know that i deserve to be looked after and I know that living with an ed is a bad thing and i know I am going to be able to keep fighting it.
But I dont want to keep fighting it. I want it gone completely.

But, when things go wrong. I turn to it.

I turn to it because it's what i know, but it's what I feel i deserve. I deserve the pain and punishment of the ed. I deserve the self harm.

I know I don't? But my brain doesn't know. It automatically takes over!

The reason: because I've dealt with the eating disorder, but I've never dealt with the cause.

It's this reason I get stresses when my life seams uncertain. It's this reason I cut myself when my partner dismisses me. Etc etc

It's not these things that cause a relapse. It's not these, or even edaw, that has caused this current relapse.

It's because i never dealt with what caused the initial lapse and I'm jealous of everyone who has.

That's why edaw is tough. Because I'm jealous of everyone else who is recovered. Because I'm too damn chicken to deal with me.

So what do I do about it?

Haha. Sounds so easy to say deal with it.

I feel like an archeologist who has seen in a sonogram that a skeleton of the missing link is buried under the earth.

It's been buried for so long. Things have been built on top. Years of dirt have been dumped on top of it.

You can't just pull the skeleton out. U gotta prepare, plan. Get everything clear in your head and then start digging. Through all the years of dirt and rubble. All the other ruins that are on top of the thing I am trying to get at.

So what I'm trying to say is that. Edaw has made me realise I need to start digging. To find that missing link.

Anyone able to lend me a spade?

addiction isn't always about doing things to excess

I wasn't sure if I wanted to put this down onto this blog or my ED blog. But I felt that it was a more personal thing than a more ED in general thing. So here goes.

I think, if I wasn't trying to grab a headline I would have labelled this as - What is Anorexia to me?

Its an addiction.

If you speak to anyone about addiction they would say it is abusing something to excess.

I would agree.

But the substance I abuse to excess, is the endorphin and the adrenalin I get from starvation.

Let me be a bit biological (If I was a L'oriel advert, I'd say "here's the science part") and take you back 2 million years (exaggeration maybe).

Humans - homosapions - were hunters. If they were attacked they had a choice... fight or flight.

this is what in more recent times is called anxiety, i think someone once told me.

Ultimately. the body creates a chemical reaction within your body that will help you. To survive. You may have heard that when you starve yourself for prolonged periods of time you will no longer feel hunger. Why do you think this is? because you don't wanna stop fighting someone, or running away from someone, to have a burger. You need to keep running.

How does this work? well I am not massive on biology, but I have always believed that the body/brain released endorphins and also adrenalin and probably a whole load of other enzyme's that will help you carry on your normal way of being. Or more particularly. Your current course of action.

So: I starve to get through a difficult day at work. My brain releases all the gubbins it needs to get me through that task... but other things fall at the way side. The chemicals that allow me to be romantic or loving to my partner, say.
The maternal instincts that allow me to accept my mother
The brain functioning that allows me to thing around subjects and think "outside the box"
and many....many more.

But why do I keep doing?

Because those chemicals that my brain releases, I'm addicted to them. Ok, the cause is an abstinence, but the outcome is chemicals that I like and a feeling that I crave.

I hunger for... well hunger.

People find this hard to understand because they believe an addiction to always be about excess of external chemicals... Caffeine, Cocaine, Nicotine, Alcohol, (even) Food.

But I am addicted to the internal chemicals that the starvation make my body give me.

I would suppose that all of the above drugs also give me the same sort of chemical reaction. But I have found sollice in the starvation. I have found my addiction.

But, there is also a small problem with this fact.

Starvation isn't my only addiction. Let me name a few:

• Work
• Nicotine (although I am on the road to recovery on this one)
• Alcohol (on and off - never really got to alcoholic levels, but I do rely on it sometimes)
• Caffeine (EDAW is sponsored by starbucks, but caffeine tablets have been used before now)
• Sex (in an odd way, which I really don't wanna go into it)
• Exersise
• Texting (odd I know)
• Gambling (again, nothing major - but a problem)
• Self Harm (in a more frequent and more serious way)

Someone once told me too that I was addicted to caring for people. Like I would block out my whole life, all my emotions because I would lay down my life to care and help other people.

But what do all of the above, plus my starvation, have in common? They help me feel like I can get through the day, like I can achieve something, like I don't have to think or face up to anything else. Some are about excess, some are about abuse, some are about just plain old wanting.

But they all fall in, some way shape or form, to a definition of addiction.

It's weird that there is one thing that is missing from the above list and it is the one thing I am most proud of.

Drugs

For a long time I have thought this, long before I was admitted into hospital and really embarked on recovery.

I'm addicted to addictions

I can't get enough of them. Whatever it is, as long as it is something that is going to let me escape, take away my focus, help me get through the damn day, I'll use (and abuse) it.

It is for this one fact that I have never used, in any way shape or form, drugs. I went to Amsterdam for the weekend and used and abused most of the other addictions to great amounts, but I didn't touch drugs.

I am just so scared. every addiction I have had or used has taken me down a route that has been so difficult to pull myself out of. But (i suppose being brought up in a middle class background in an affluent society has made me see this), turning to drugs would be a one way street to nothingness... I would start with Weed, move to whatever then onto the next, then be skint and then who would know? using drugs always felt a little like I would be resolving to death really.


So why do I feel compelled to talk about this at this moment in time?

I keep turning to addictions, I'm addicted to Addictions. WHY?? what is it that is causing me to need them?

I start eating properly, I smoke more.
I stop smoking, I'm drinking more,
I stop drinking I start gambling,
because I'm gambling more, I'm skint so i starve myself to save money (I'm not very good at gambling)

its a circle, if its not one, its the other, if its not the other is the other one.. etc . etc.

I'm running from something, and although I felt like I had dealt with it, I'm thinking I have not.

I have dealt with, but I have not dealt with how its made me feel and think.

What happened in my life has happened. Cant change it.

But I need to change the way I think.

But I can't talk about it tonight.

#EDAW Day 3 - 23.02.11 - What does Recovery actually look like?

For Tonight's post, my blogs are colliding. I am writing the same thing under both headings I currently write under. [Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2011] and also [Random Reflection].

Why am I doing this?

B-eat kicked off EDAW by launching their campaign to gain guidelines for press to follow when doing articles on Eating Disorders. In their four page report, I think it is fair to say, they made everyone re-think what they thought about Eating Disorders. Here are some bullet points:

• B-eat asked if the general public if they could name a type of eating disorder. 72% said anorexia. Only 3% said binge eating.
• Anorexia is the rarest eating disorder, only 10% of cases
• Over 80% of people with an eating disorder are overweight.

B-eat's reasoning for publishing this was to illustrate to the public and also media that putting pictures of emaciated sufferers along with articles, in the name of awareness, is actually harming sufferers. But I think they have made everyone, even people with an Eating Disorder think again and open their minds to what an Eating Disorder looks like.

But, why am I combining my blogs this evening?

EDAW has also made some sufferers start to reflect about where they are in their life, where in their recovery are they?

I am one of those people. In last nights blog under [Random Reflections] I admitted in my blog, and to myself, that I appear to be struggling a lot more than I have realised in recent times. Which brings me, in a rather long drawn out way to the topic of my blog today. What I was thinking about; on the way to, during and on the way home from work today.

What Does Recovery Look Like?

• achieving a healthy weight
• feeling happy
• feeling happy with me
• being able to get through difficult times without resorting to unhealthy coping strategies
• dealing with the past and not letting it hold you back in the now

These were quite obvious really weren't they. It was almost an anti climax.

But what does that actually look like? I have achieved a healthy weight, I am happy and am happy with me, I am able to get through the majority of difficult days and I have dealt with my past, or at least my past does not hold me back. But I am still struggling.

But, the list above is what I would say my recovery looks like. It might be different for other people. Just like the causes and the manifestation of every sufferer are different. Recovery will also be different.

It may comprise of some of the same things, it may be all the same things. But they may take longer, or shorter or they might happen in a different order.

So recovery will look like whatever you need it to?

I would say, probably not.

There is one part of the cause of my illness that I have never spoken to my psychologist about, I have never really spoken to anyone on this earth about it.

Recently I have considered whether this is the one thing that is holding me back, stopping me from crossing the finish line to becoming totally recovered.

But, I have thought long and hard and thought short and soft too. I have thought every single way about things on this one and I had made the decision that I have dealt with it as much as I need to. To speak about it, will be to drag it all up again, to effectively re-live it again. Which could in the short term cause me a lot of distress.

The thing for me was to make sure that this thing is not still eating away at me and is not holding me back. It isn't, I have dealt with it. In fact I hardly ever even think about it - usually only when I am in the midst of a restriction does it enter my consciousness.

For me, I just needed to deal with the ingrained hatred I have for myself because of this and all the other stuff. I have dealt with all of that in my own way. But, when something goes wrong in the world do I always put myself down, always blame me and never open my eyes to think that it might be someone else's fault!?

It is this that I need to deal with.

Why do I mention all of this? because most people - including some of the people I know who will read this blog - will say that I need to talk about all of this, that I need to go through it all to really gain the self acceptance the self esteem to really grab Anorexia by the balls and kill it. I would probably say that if I showed this to my psych they would also say I need to get it all out.

But I don't think I need to. I just need to deal with the outcomes, not the cause.

So recovery doesn't look like what you need it to, well in my case I don't believe it does.

Also, on this point. Every single person in the world who suffers from and Eating Disorder needs to recover. But some people don't recover. Why is that?

probably for many reason. One of the things that really does aid recovery is actually wanting to recovery.

This will probably sound quite weird to someone reading from the outside, but when I went through several attempts at recovery that ultimately failed. I didn't want to recover. I liked what I was doing, it was working, it wasn't scary, I didn't have the strength to beat it.

So, Recovery is, what you want it to be?

Probably not.

Because, 2 years down the line. Although for the right reasons, I made a massive mistake by not talking about everything. Here I am with a job, partner, house, friend and everything to live for. But I am still struggling, I am still being held back by my past. All because I didnt want to do what some people will say I need to do.

But now, after building my life back from nothing, to actually having something to lose. There is a massive risk in dragging it all up, upsetting the balance. But if I dont will I just continue to float, unable to fly?

I'm starting to think this is the case.

I'm not getting anywhere am i? So recovery is what you want and need it be?

I think ultimately.

When you are choose to recover from whatever ED is of your choosing, its like having headphones that are knotted and tangled up.

Recovery is the process of unravelling them - I know you have all been there

There is probably a million different ways of untangling it. But eventually, even if you try and avoid it, you will have to tackle that bloody big massive f**k off knot in the middle that you're dreading.

But once you do, you are able to listen to the sweet sweet music of life.

Maybe Im still no-where near recovery

Following on from last nights pretty lame and moany blog. I have spent a lot of time thinking about "where" I actually am and why it is that I find myself in this awkward predicament.

I sat in work this afternoon (looking at the rain run down the window) and pieced all the things together.

I admit, I am pulling myself out of a post Christmas relapse (the worst relapse since being in the unit two years ago), which might explain why I have the reluctance to talk about the "failures" I make. But I have never really been so closed before. I think this is the problem I have at the moment.

I am open here and on twitter, but in all other aspects of my life I have closed up.

I used to talk to my partner, I used to talk to my psych. But no one knows anything at the moment. My Psych is happy because my weight is going where it needs to be. She seems to have forgotten to ask about the Self Harm.

My Partner, well - Ok I know they have a lot on at the moment - but I shut them out on the relapse quite a bit and I don't think we have really re gained that dialogue since then.

So what am I trying to say... Well basically - I am still unwell.

• My Self Esteem is really low
• My paranoia has come back quite a bit
• I am so anxious
• I cant open up or admit to people about what I am doing, have done or want to do
• I am isolating myself from housemates etc

And those are just the psychological things.

Physically, Im self harming again (and its starting to get worse) and tonight, oh crap, tonight I went for a run.

The running thing isn't too bad because I never lie about the running (oh balls, I need to tell the partner......... just done - sorry will explain that in a bit). In fact I can't lie about the running thing because the App thing on my iPhone automatically adds it to my Facebook profile (a little safety cushion I set up)

just quickly the oh balls bit... when i was in the ED unit, I was made to feel really guilty about running and that exercise was bad, but exercise is good and is an important part of a healthy diet.. so when I came out, i had to overcome a massive barrier of shame about running and wanting to run. Now, i do run (not very often) but i made a promise to myself and my partner that if I went for a run, I would tell them. my partner doesn't judge, they wont comment, its just so that I never feel guilty for running.

So ultimately Ive come to the realisation that I am maybe not doing as well as I thought I was.

Some people will read this and think "Durrrrrr", but honestly, this is a massive admission for me (and obviously anybody going through an illness such as this).

So.... I'm not doing very well. I'm still not very healthy, I'm still struggling with all the things that caused my eating disorder in the first place... I'm just not restricting

Why Can I blog things but not Tell People them?

Think I am having on of those moments when u realise that your not being honest even though you are admitting things.

I wrote last night about self harming and how I was doing it again. I went to bed feeling liberated and like I'd got something off of my chest.... But I didn't really. I blogged it, but I haven't dealt with it have i?

As I sat there today in my Psychology appointment, I talked about things that were upsetting / distressing / stressing me.. But I didn't actually say "So, Ive been self harming again".

My Partner texted me today and asked their normal morning text of how did I sleep and how am i... But i didn't reply "So, Ive been self harming again"

Here I am blogging about it, hiding under a fake name and admitting things to a website that Im not even sure if anyone is reading... and I call it an admission.

Nope, its just a way of making myself feel better without actually having to deal with or face up to the stuff going on in the world.

But then, maybe this blog is being useful, because its making me realise that I actually don't know what is going on in my head and I cant really talk to other (more real) people about it if i don't know what it is... can i?

So, Im self harming, but I don't have a fricking clue why?... aint gonna go down very well is it?

Oh i dunno... it just feels like I need the SH at the moment.

Ok.... this has been a rubbish post. I'm sorry - I promise to spend some time thinking about things and will come back either later tonight or tomorrow night with a blog that is more useful to you lot (whoever you are) and me.

......Thinks.........

*May Trigger* So I started to Self Harm again

Not totally sure why. But I have started to self harm.

I think it started from Thursday. When the girlfriend completely dismissed me, I felt really really low and really worthless and I really wanted to self harm.

Randomly, twitter was able to pull me out of it, but I think twitter was only a temporary fix.

All day Friday all I could think about was the want and the need to self harm. I thought it was just because I was angry and just needed to get things off of my chest. Which is why I posted my post on Friday night.

But it still hasn't helped. I still do feel a lot useless lately, I do feel very sad and very worthless and I just cant pull myself out of it.

Today was the weirdest thing ever though.

I got home from the parents, feeling all positive because I had stood up for myself. Slightly confused by the outcome of the "fact finding mission" but felt ok. sat around for a bit and had dinner. Stood up went to my bedroom and cut again.

It just came from no where.. and I have never ever cut so early in the day before. it is normally an evening last thing of the day type of compulsion.

I just do not know what is going on. Apart from I want to keep doing it and it is sort of consuming my mind.

All I want is to do it again

I stood up for myself

Ok, so a quick recap in case you didn't want to read through the previous post.

This weekend was meant to be spent with my parents looking around the London commuter belt to get an idea of places I might want to live and looking around at houses.
They had taken over and had wanted to go to here there and everywhere completely away from where I wanted to be.

But, i stood up for myself.

I got there and texted them saying "arrived at station, stay where u are I will come to you for a coffee" (they were staying in a hotel near by.

I got there and just made coffee and did the normal catching up type chat and then things moved to what the plan was for the day. queue:

"yeah, im abit confused by that"
"really why?"
"Well I thought we were going to look around places along my train line, but last night the places you mentioned are completely un-helpful to me"
"Oh, we did wonder - where do you want to go then?"

SUCCESS!! and much to my surprise, they were happy to do what I wanted, they were happy to go where I needed and they did not hate me for it.

so, maybe I am worthwhile and maybe i am loved!? Mental

Ive been very angry this week

This week has been quite a difficult week.

I think the confusion of the job (see previous post) has caused a lot of stress, especially as I still havent made my mind, but I still havent heard anything.... which I am waiting to do before I waste anymore time thinking about it.

But I am starting to struggle with things quite a bit too.

Tuesday just got to me because I had no time to myself at all and wasnt able to vent at all, except on twitter (sorry guys). The rest of the week seems to have just gone down hill.

But, the major thing is the conversation I had with the girlf yesterday.

It was all going well, it was all fine. I was opening up about the stress about my job and was about to open up about how it was making me want to self harm and restrict (I never really talk about things pre-empting, just after the event so was a massive thing for me)... and she comes out with - "I dont want to talk about this anymore"... I know at the moment she too is looking for new work and stuff at the moment and it is sort of stressing her out, but I really wanted and needed to talk about it.

To be totally cut down in my prime really really has made me feel worthless. Its made me hate myself for not thinking about her feelings and about how what my moaning may have done to her... so yeah, wasnt a good night last night.

I didnt do anything terribly bad, but I hate myself even more for going through with it.

Today has been abit of a manic day too, i bumped into someone at lunch, who i do really like but when I see them its always abit of a 30minute conversation (they dont take "im in a rush well") so that put me totally behing in work... yes! 30mins for lunch is well too long for my current work situation.... i totally lost control of things this afternoon and just stressed about being so behind on things and just generally being quite out of control.

I think I have managed to get to grips with that, but its really annoying me that to do everything I need in a 9-5 job, i either have to not have a full hour, or im working late every night.

AND THEN... just to top off my whole generally not feeling of worth while ness and just like I dont count anymore.. My parents have taken over my whole weekend!!!!

quick recap - I live and work in buckinghamshire, my girlfriend is going to be working in London the plan is to live in between somewhere so that we can commute either way economically and time efficiently. Me and the rents were going to go stay overnight in a town that would be perfect and then also go and look at another few places that will also work out.

but tonight, i texted them just to say "where are we eating on Saturday" and mum rang me to say that they really want to go here and they have it all planned and yada yada yada... its completely and utterly now not a weekend to put my mind at rest about the whole "leaving my comfort zone etc etc"...

so yeah, am not massively feeling very worthwhile at the moment... Im totally feeling completely worthless and am so so close to  harming again and am pretty much in the restrictive mind set ..... not the mind set I want to be in the friday before Eating Disorder Awareness week,

Grrrrrr

Oh and just to top it all off, ive just started week 7 of my none smoking course, which means I have gone down a nicotein (spelling??) replacement band - ANGER alert

Post Interview Relections

Well, This is probably a wierd thing to do for your first ever blog... But hey, might as well start as I mean to go on.

Basically yesterday I had a job interview and in essence the interview went ok, but it also went terribly.

I was perfect (I am not normally big headed), I said all the things I’d wanted to say and put myself across really well. But I will not get the job. I wont get the job because I am not the kind of person they are looking for.

I am not being down on myself. I just, despite having a lot of experience in the industry, I do not hold a current role within that part and in their eye I do not have a proven track record. Even though I have 5 years proven, just not in my current role.

So, I wont get the job, I don’t think. But I don’t even now think I want the job.

It has totally made me rethink everything and has changed my perspective and everything I have been working towards for the last 3 years.

Ok, so I love my job at the moment but I don’t love the money and I don’t love the location. But there is no major rush in having to find a job. But I do really really want to move, but I am now in two minds as to what direction I thought I wanted to move in.

Sitting in the interview room yesterday discussing the role, I realised that this would be a massive change for me and would be massively pressured. Reflecting on this I am scared. I have done jobs like this before, but have always done them well at the expense of my health.

However, I have now been through an Inpatient stay and am almost nothing up my 3^rd year in recovery, so I am a lot further along since I last did something like this… But it just all feels like a massive risk.

This could all just be pointless, because I don’t think I will get a call back for the job, so its not really worth thinking about… but I am not sure if I was given the chance I would want the job anyways, but I would not be able to turn it down either.

I was thinking before too, am I just doing abit of self preservation. Tell myself I don’t want the job, so when I don’t actually get it, I am not devastated… But then if I do get offered if, I will still accept it.

Or, am I actually just of the mind – I don’t want the job.

Oh who knows… The job is in the location I want, it is the money I want and it is the type of job I want… but I don’t want that job! Weird, I know… Maybe I do want the job and it is abit of self preservation going on.

Ok, so I want the job…. Im just scared… Will I be any good at it? Maybe I don’t have enough experience… Maybe he is right…. Will it be too pressured for me? Will I fall into old habbits of overworking and under eating? Will it just drive me to destruction?

It shouldn’t do, because I have been working for three years for the day when I start this new, and slightly holy grailed, job (whenever it may be)…

So I should be able to cope – when I say cope I mean to be able to be open about how things are and to actually admit difficulties to myself and my friends etc so they can help me through it…. Not actually cope…. But to use healthy coping mechanisms.

So, I want the job, I will cope… Im still scared.

Change!! That’s all it is…. Leaving the comfort of a job where I have top performed for two years… I know everyone and I know the ins and outs of everything… into a new job where I know no one, into a new town where I know few ppl and into something completely different than I have been in before.

Damn… it the change that is scaring me… I shouldn’t be scared of this change, I always knew it was coming… it is a change I have planned for…. But, it all seems real now, It never really seamed like it was going to happen… but now it is, it is scary.

Maybe that’s normal?

Is it?