Birthday Blog

I am not writing this for anything other than to get it off my chest. I am not trying to draw attention to my birthday, nor am I looking for more “Happy Birthday, your amazing” messages.

I don’t really like birthdays.

I have never had a bad birthday, but I have never had a good birthday. I just never really bother with my birthday. I just don’t feel like I am worth it, I always feel uncomfortable.

I don’t, and have never, liked being centre of attention. I never feel comfortable when people do nice things for me. I always much prefer to be the person who does nice things for people. This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it, even if sometimes I come across as I don’t. I do, I really do. I just always feel embarrassed and un-worthy.

I had a “Discussion” with the partner this weekend because they were adamant I should go out tonight and I should not stay in alone and make myself even lower than I am already. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I hate putting people out, I just didn’t want to send out messages saying, hey come for a drink for my birthday. It feels like I’m demanding their company, like Im demanding they come and celebrate me. There’s no point, because I don’t feel like I can celebrate me. I just don’t feel worth it.

I know this coming to be a blog about how un worthy I feel, but I suppose this is the sort of feeling I have at the moment. I just feel totally unworthy and my birthday is only compounding it.

That being said… having my birthday today has actually sort of raised my mood (if you didn’t see my tweets yesterday, I basically got diagnosed with depression yesterday – i.e. more so than I usually am) so the constant happy messages have entered my subconscious and I do feel slightly better about myself and I do feel a lot happier than I did a couple of days ago.

Is this just temporary? Who knows…. I think I need to try and remember and focus on some of the nice things people have said today so that I can try and keep my mood happy and keep challenging my self-un-worth.

I’ll give it a go.

Nx