This week has been quite a difficult week.
I think the confusion of the job (see previous post) has caused a lot of stress, especially as I still havent made my mind, but I still havent heard anything.... which I am waiting to do before I waste anymore time thinking about it.
But I am starting to struggle with things quite a bit too.
Tuesday just got to me because I had no time to myself at all and wasnt able to vent at all, except on twitter (sorry guys). The rest of the week seems to have just gone down hill.
But, the major thing is the conversation I had with the girlf yesterday.
It was all going well, it was all fine. I was opening up about the stress about my job and was about to open up about how it was making me want to self harm and restrict (I never really talk about things pre-empting, just after the event so was a massive thing for me)... and she comes out with - "I dont want to talk about this anymore"... I know at the moment she too is looking for new work and stuff at the moment and it is sort of stressing her out, but I really wanted and needed to talk about it.
To be totally cut down in my prime really really has made me feel worthless. Its made me hate myself for not thinking about her feelings and about how what my moaning may have done to her... so yeah, wasnt a good night last night.
I didnt do anything terribly bad, but I hate myself even more for going through with it.
Today has been abit of a manic day too, i bumped into someone at lunch, who i do really like but when I see them its always abit of a 30minute conversation (they dont take "im in a rush well") so that put me totally behing in work... yes! 30mins for lunch is well too long for my current work situation.... i totally lost control of things this afternoon and just stressed about being so behind on things and just generally being quite out of control.
I think I have managed to get to grips with that, but its really annoying me that to do everything I need in a 9-5 job, i either have to not have a full hour, or im working late every night.
AND THEN... just to top off my whole generally not feeling of worth while ness and just like I dont count anymore.. My parents have taken over my whole weekend!!!!
quick recap - I live and work in buckinghamshire, my girlfriend is going to be working in London the plan is to live in between somewhere so that we can commute either way economically and time efficiently. Me and the rents were going to go stay overnight in a town that would be perfect and then also go and look at another few places that will also work out.
but tonight, i texted them just to say "where are we eating on Saturday" and mum rang me to say that they really want to go here and they have it all planned and yada yada yada... its completely and utterly now not a weekend to put my mind at rest about the whole "leaving my comfort zone etc etc"...
so yeah, am not massively feeling very worthwhile at the moment... Im totally feeling completely worthless and am so so close to harming again and am pretty much in the restrictive mind set ..... not the mind set I want to be in the friday before Eating Disorder Awareness week,
Grrrrrr
Oh and just to top it all off, ive just started week 7 of my none smoking course, which means I have gone down a nicotein (spelling??) replacement band - ANGER alert
No comments:
Post a Comment