A weird week

As promised, I am blogging. I am also blogging because I need to and can finally get this off my chest. I haven’t been able to get this off my chest in a my normal life because it sort of opens up a lot of issues if I do.

Anyways. Life took a very unexpected and difficult turn for the worse this week.

After celebrating my birthday over a long weekend off of work, I returned home on Tuesday. While I was away I had been left a few voicemails from an unknown number, so I ignores them and decided to wait until I got back (knowing that no one normally leaves me voicemails if it is urgent).

On Tuesday night I sat at home and listened to three voice mails declaring that the leaver was going to kill me. In fact, if I was to quote. He was going to “poke my eyes out and shove them up my arse”.

I sort of felt a bit scared at this and didn’t really know what to do. Didn’t really know who to turn to either.

The person who left me the messages is the ex boyfriend of a girl I mentor and who I had helped make her decision to leave him. Although according to him, it is all my fault. So on Tuesday night, he came around the house and started Effing and Jeffing at the front door.

I had no other option than to call the police.

As the sirens came around the corner, he ran and hid.

From Tuesday evening through till Friday I had police protection at the house. I continues to get even more scary messages via text and voicemail and it was all getting a little soap like to be honest.

Saturday morning, he was arrested and was given a restraining order. Saturday afternoon I was getting messages again.

Saturday evening he was re-arrested and is now in custody.

I have to say, the police have been amazing. They really have helped to put my mind at rest. They have generally supported me and I have been kind enough to give them top ups of coffee cups as often as I can.

There has been a little sense of lack of freedom and weirdness in my life.

I hate that feeling that although I had no plans to leave the house, I couldn’t easily leave.  I had a complete lack of control or freedom in my life.

Amazingly this has not affected my eating. Self harm has slightly been heightened.

I just feel and felt a bit helpless. The messages were scary and slightly reminiscent of events I have had before in my life.

So, my main problem now is that. I am generally good in a crisis, but after the crisis I am not so good. Now that I am no longer in danger, now that I don’t have a point to prove. I collapse! I then find it easier to justify my ED.

I think I made a rod for my own back by not really telling a lot of people, but I just didn’t really know how to tell people and I sort of didn’t want people to put anyone else in danger.

So, there we are. Weird week. I need to try and fight the feelings this week.