An Anorexic Restaurant Review

Probably not the sort of review the Chef would be expecting or would take much notice, but I thought it would be a fun thing to write a review of what I described as “The best meal I have ever had”.

Date: 13^th March 2011

Venue: The Maze Grill (Gordon Ramsey), Grosvenor Square, London

Entering through the automatic glass doors, you are welcomed at a reception where a member of staff takes your coats and checks your reservation. I felt that this area was a tad too small. The reception serves both The Maze and the Grill. We were a part of four and the space was filled and a bit cumbersome as we de-robed.

From here we were greeted by the matradee who took us to our seats.

There was a bit of wait before the menus arrived, which I felt was just that little bit too long. For someone who has had a difficult relationship with food, especially eating out, I found the wait a little bit too long and provided an awkward feel when really what was required was something to put me at ease.

Our waiter came over for the evening and provided the menus and offered us some water. After a short period of time, the theatrical experience truly began.

The resident meat specialist came over to explain the different cuts of meat along with the different types. I think for me, this was a little bit odd, but then I suppose if you were really into fine dining you would appreciate it. However for me point out the “healthier meat” was appreciated.

The time given for us to decide was perfect. I did feel a little under pressure but this came from the company I was with, not from the service.

So, we then moved on to the food.

Starter: White onion soup, Parmesan and garlic crostini

This was brought to the table in a bowl with just the crostini and some herbs. This made me feel a little awkward at first as there seemed to be no soup and only some oiled carbohydrates. But the unexpected theatrics really made the dish special. Once everyone else’s dishes had been served, a waiter returned to my setting with a small jug of the soup and poured this over the crostini right to the brim of my bowl. It was a simple, but magical, experience that added something – I’m not sure what – to the dish.

The soup itself was a perfect blend of flavors. For someone who loves their cheese it was disappointingly not a very cheesy dish, but it wasn’t overly flavored of onion either. The consistency of the soup was superb as well.

Two criticisms of the dish; The temperature of the soup was nuclear which made it difficult to taste at first, also the fresh herbs were still on the stalks and, although making the dish look quite spectacular when served, once they were covered in the soup and had become wilted they became quite stringy and awkward to eat.

Other dishes had around the table included the soft shell crab and also the squid. Both were also beautifully presented and flavored. The soft shell crab dish was quite large for a starter.

Main Course: Hereford grass fed, aged 25 days Sirloin 10oz.

Sides: Stilton Fries, Braised Carrots, Spinach with gruyere.

It was served on a wooden chopping board with a bulb of roasted garlic and herbs for decoration. The dish looked just as I would have expected.

The taste of the dish was totally out of this world. The meat was obviously a very good cut of meat and a very good produce, but the seasoning and the execution of its preparation was perfect.

Normally, when I go out for a steak, I would be battling to cut the fat off the top of the cut and trying to make sure that it was on the other side of the plate. I do this, not because of the obvious anorexic tendencies but, because it is generally very chewy and tasteless. This time around I wouldn’t have even realised that the fat was there if it wasn’t for the added flavor it provided.

The sides were all cooked to perfection too. For people who don’t like cheese do not get put off by the Stilton fries. The fries themselves are seasoned a lot better than the normal fries and the cheese is only used as a dip, which incidentally for my cheese loving palette was not cheesy enough.

The spinach came as more cheese than it did spinach and was a little bit awkward to share between a few people as the spinach wasn’t very finely chopped before being baked within the pot of gruyere.

No one around our table had a sauce with their main and it was not missed. The meat was moist enough and had flavors that would only be lost by any of the sauces. By not having a sauce we did not only save £2.50 we saved a lot more because my opinion is that it would have wasted the meat too.

Blackberry and Bramley Apple Crumble with Anglaise

I am not a pudding person and I almost was just going to choose the cheese board, but I really did want to try and do a full and proper 3 course meal. So I chose the crumble and I am more than glad that I did. The fruit had been soaked and baked in a form of alcohol that I could not place but the flavours were perfect.

One of the highlights of this dish was the suggested desert wine from the resident sommelier. I feel I should point out that I am quite a wine snob, I like good wine and I like a good match. This sommelier got it spot on! She recommended a desert wine that was mid-priced and not something I would normally have chosen. The suggestion that something a bit sweeter and with more honey flavouring would really complement the fruit was something I really wasn’t sure about but I can say that I don’t think I have ever known a match work better than this. I was very pleased to be wrong on this occasion because she was more than right!

Closing thoughts.

Over the last two years I have started to have a better relationship with food and have really started to enjoy the process of cooking, serving and eating good food. Good food to me is not all about eating it. I would much prefer to prepare and experiment with it too. For this reason I did not massively think I was going to enjoy this experience.

I am also not always great in overly pretentious and expensive environments. I generally feel like I don’t deserve to be there and that everyone there knows that I am not happy and am feeling so uncomfortable inside that it is a waste to serve good food to me.

The experience last night was something completely different.

Yes; the service was fantastic, the décor and feel of the restaurant was perfect for any occasion. But was it this that made this meal such a land-mark memorable event in my life? Sadly it was not.

When I sat down to the table I was feeling very self conscious and I was feeling a disturbing amount of self loathing. For the first time I did not use alcohol to reduce this feeling and to relax myself. I managed to use positive self talk and also opening up to my companions over dinner about why and what I was feeling at that present time.

My perfect meal was created by the following:

                Fantastic Décor, Fantastic service, beautiful produce that was cooked incredibly well but also the company of family who have been so patient with me over the past three years and who now truly understand me and my illness and really just want me to be happy.

Thank you Gordon, but I would also like to thank my family too.

How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can ease their pain and you can smooth some of the difficulties, but you can’t help them out of the rut that they may be in.

This does not mean that the person is a lost cause and they are doomed to a dented life. On the contrary, it just means that they are not ready to be helped.

It’s so hard to know how to deal with this type of person. In fact I was one of these people once. I never wanted to get better; I didn’t want what recovery entailed – even though I didn’t know what that might be,. The whole idea of living without my vice was so scary that I just didn’t even want to contemplate it.

Fast-forward 4 years.

I have been helped and people still help me. Something has changed.

During the time I didn’t want to be helped I was still being helped. I wasn’t being helped out of the mess I was in, in fact I was probably digging the hole deeper and deeper at the time, But I was being helped.

I was being helped to see that I did want help.

I was being helped to see that nothing would be as bad as the mess I was in.

I was being helped to see that I was worth fighting for.

And I think that is what you have to remember when you come across someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can’t help them get better, but you can help them to want the help they need.

When does a Lapse become Replapse?

I've spent the last few days thinking and talking about this quite a bit and thought it a bit of an interesting subject that I thought I would open up to the world.

Yesterday, I had a Psychology appointment and also a meeting with a good friend of mine. They were both of the thinking that my latest blip, was a blip aka a lapse and not a re-lapse. However I have been of the thinking that it has been a relapse.

I should say, that I am probably going to talk as if this is present, but it is only because it is recent, but I am on the way out of it.

For me, the main distinction this time that defines the blip as a relapse was that I was, for the first time in two years, secretive about it. I shut myself away from the world, I didn't tell - due to shame and disgust in myself - anyone about what I was doing or how bad things had gotten.

You could say that this is part and parcel of the illness and I would agree with you, some people would also argue that this would just be part of a lapse and not a relapse and I would also agree with them too.

I suppose though, that for me and for where I am in my life and recovery it is something that signifies a relapse, even though in other people I wouldn't say and would agree that it doesn't mean a relapse for everyone else.

So why for me and not for everyone else?

I think really, deep down it is because the Illness tricked me again and that is probably what it is that signifies a relapse.

Getting pulled in and getting tricked by the illness to believe that no one likes me, that I am not worth it and that all i deserved was the illness and that also the illness is the only thing that would get me through the difficult time.

That is ultimately what caused me to not tell people and this I suppose is what has made this feel more like a relapse over a lapse.

Weirdly, through talking about this and discussing/debating the issue, it has sort of un-made this a relapse. Because I have now spoken about it, but I suppose at the time when I was in the grips I was isolated, I was filled with shame and I was very much in my illness.

What do people think? what causes a lapse to become a relapse? is it just the length of time, is it when the weight goes to a level?

Body Image Phenomenon

My Body Image is all over the place.

Despite having eaten more this week than I needed and generally in a way feel inside like I'm being fat and greedy, my body image is actually really good.

By that, I look in the mirror and I am like what I see, I actually look and feel like this week I have lost weight.

Is this normal?

When I am restricting, I hate what my body looks like and I want / think I need to lose weight.

When I am eating and gaining weight, I actually feel like I'm skinny and am happy with my body and possible even feeling like I am losing weight.

Weight.

Breaking it down - Gangsta Styly

I have been sat in front of my computer thinking about a title for this blog. Thinking about what is on my mind, what is going on in my head, trying to sum it up into a headline that would express what is going to be expressed in this blog.

There isn’t really a good way to sum it up really, I just feel like a massive ball of confusion at the moment and I think I need to just break it down. Gangsta Styly. LOL (now, I have a title).

When you do wrong by doing what you think & are told is right.

Aka: Working for a large corporation when you are just a number and you are measured by the numbers you produce.

Let me explain a little further. My job is a bit of a mish mash. I am middle management, in that I am in between being a worker and a manager. 50% of my day is managing, 50% is being a worker. The problem with me is that I am bloody good at all the extra things I do and I also really enjoy that part of my job too. I am also bloody good at the work that my team do and am very quick. I however rarely am able to fit in everything I need to do in one day. Because of this I have a delicate balancing act to make every day.

At the end of last year my performance rating for the year was “Top”… Not surprising for an anorexic I suppose. I work every hour possible I strive for perfection in everything I do and the end of 2010 this was duly noted and recognised.

Going into this year, my manager and I had a conversation about how I can continue to be a top performer. The two things that resonate in my brain from this conversation were:

·         To be a top performer, working extra hours and going the extra mile to almost necessary

·         You were top performer last year due to an opportunity that you rose to, this opportunity might not come about this year, so you have to look and act like a top performer from everything down to your appearance.

So, I have to work extra hours and I have to look my best… That’s what my (at the time not so healthy) brain heard.

Fast forward two months. I’m on my way out of a relapse, I’m still really struggling. Work wise, although the management side of things have been fine. My “worker” part has suffered and my quality has gone down so much that I am effectively on a performance improvement plan.

Needless to say, this has done nothing for my self-worth and general opinion of who I am. All because I thought I was doing the right thing. I’ve worked every single hour possible. I’ve looked my best every day. But I got the balance completely wrong.

When geographical distance creates an emotional distance.

Aka: I just keep putting things off because I can get away without talking about it.

Ever since I started my relationship with my partner they have been at University. I know what I was letting myself in for. I didn’t want a long distance relationship, but I also didn’t want to lose the love of my life.

In fairness over the last 3 years we have been together we have been through worse, we have been further away from each other (The partner studies in Russia for a year). But at the moment it just feels like there is a distance between us. Like we don’t really know what is going on in each other’s lives.

We grab the odd moment’s chat here and there but I never seem to get the words out exactly about how I am feeling.

My partner is the closest person to me in the world. They know more about me than my psych does. But I just can’t seem to break down my barrier at the moment that stops me talking about my current struggles when they are happening.

·         My Partner doesn’t know how bad my relapse got (my weight got back up to normal before I saw them again)

·         My partner knows I have self harmed because they saw them, but we have not spoken about why and when, or have we spoken about how often it has happened. (A lot of my cutting at the moment is light so is heeling quite well).

·         My partner knows I am not sleeping well and I am having really bad nightmares. My partner comforts me when I wake up in the middle of the night when we are together, but she doesn’t know what these nightmares are. She doesn’t know what is causing it all.

·         My partner knows I am stressed at work but she does not know that I am on an improvement plan.

I cannot and will not blame my partner for not knowing the reasons why. It is my fault. I’m a closed book at the moment, locked shut and will not open up at all.

When no answer seems to be the right answer

Aka: life is a wonderful thing, but couldn’t it just give me one break please?

The wanting a new job and wanting to move house dilemma.

Let me start by saying there is a plan. It’s just not completely set in stone yet and it is not really a plan that either me or my partner like.

Let me break this one down a little (because I work in finance, in bullet points)

·         My Partner graduates in summer

·         We are going to live together

·         I work an hour out of London, but my partner is more likely to find work in London

·         To live together easily we need to move somewhere between

·         I really want to work in London and live closer to London.

·         My partner doesn’t yet have a job to go to

·         I don’t want to live in my current house in the summer (Housemates getting married – long story)

The problem is that short of my finding a new and more amazingly paid job, we are not going to be able to live anywhere where we want to without getting an income from my partner. This means we are pretty much stuck either apart, skint or in the house where I am. This has several problems.

I feel like

1.       I have failed and cannot provide

2.       I am not making any compromise, not moving job or house or life

3.       That I really don’t want it to happen but there is no really choice at the moment.

4.       (because of the whole work situation) I am never going to be able to move up or onwards on my career path

5.       I am useless

I just hate the whole thing. I wish I could afford to support us living in a flat together, but the only way I could do this would be to not eat!

I sort of am disappointed and annoyed that my partner hasn’t spent much time looking for work (even though they still have a degree to try and earn)

I am just fed up with it all and just want something miraculous to happen that will change the impending doom of being a couple living with a newly married couple (which incidentally sounds a lot better than the idea of me living here on my own when they are married).

But there just doesn’t seem to be a better option, even though it doesn’t feel like the right option… Meanwhile I will keep playing the lottery.

When you realise you were wrong all along

Aka: previous blogs and EDAW made me realise that I really need to go through some difficult therapy sessions to really get over the Eating Disorder.

FYI – Am no further along the road of making that step.

As I said at the very top of this blog, I am a massive ball of confusion and bad feelings at the moment. I can’t seem to pull myself out of the cycle I am stuck in. I just can’t seem to speak out to people I need to. I’ve shut my entire support network out and trying to unravel and bring anyone up to date with everything just feels impossible. I just don’t feel like I can do it, despite the fact that I don’t even want to. If I did want to, I don’t think I could.

I can’t admit my shames, embarrassments and failures. I’m just not that strong anymore.