Feeling Very Sorry for myself

Full of a cold, my nose is creating more snot than I ever thought possible and I seem to have no voice... Oh the joys of an anorexic with no immune system left to speak of.

Anyways, so I am at home and am feeling very guilt and sorry for myself for having the day off work. Part of me feels guilty because I probably could have gone in and I would have got through it ok. I just in a way couldn't be arsed to go in.

Work has been really difficult lately and my motivation for it has really taken a nose dive, so the thought of dragging myself out of bed this morning to struggle through the day with a snotty nose and limited vocal ability just wasn't very appealing.

Feel a bit guilty and a little paranoid that everyone will think that I have "pulled a sicky". I was away all weekend and they also know that I am a Birmingham City fan and I jus think that they will all think I was just hungover.

The other annoying thing about it is that I have nothing in the cupboards at all. I was meant to be going to Tesco (Other supermarkets are available, but not where I live) after work to get my weekly shop, but now I am somewhat limited on what I can do for fear of someone seeing me and dobbing me in as a skyver!

So, here I am, stuck in the house unable to do or speak to anyone and am starting to feel really crappy... as in mentally, I felt physically crappy already.

The tempatation is there to just not eat at all - it is sort of playing out that way - because there really is a limited amount of feed and nothing that could make a meal.

I have tried though, when I woke up to call in sick this morning I logged online to see if I could book an online delivery. But this was not possible until like 9pm tonight, which just seemed pointless as by then I wouldnt be able to eat til tomorrow.

Oh, I dunno. I just am feeling a little crappy and guilty really.

I also have the other dilema about my psych appointment. I go everyweek to see her and now that I am off sick, I feel like I should be confined to the house and should not be well enough to leave.. But then my appointment is an official appointment and I do sort of need it.

I think I should go, but then its the whole thing about - What if people see me? what if I get caught?

Urgh. I feel like I am trapped in my house.. I think that is the problem here. I hate thinking that I cant go out anywhere and can't do anything.

Have just texted the t'other half to see what they say about going to appt... I know they will say to still go, but then I feel that I have a reason to then.

Oh. I dunno, I mean I could technically just nip up to tesco and get bread, milk and some fruit at least then I have some stples for breakfast and lunch tomorrow.. But i would still feel guilty!

Ok, this is going to sound a lot worse than what it is, but I'm scared to leave the house... Not because of the scaryiness of the world and the unsafeness. But because of the potential that I will be seen and will get in trouble.

Im a freak! I know.... I am sure that if someone did see me, I could just say I was getting bread and milk because i'd been away all weekend and didnt have anything in.... but i'd feel bad.

I feel bad.

Urgh - I shouldnt have called in sick.

Ok. So this is going to be a difficult blog. I'm writing it remotely from an iPhone on a train and am hoping to upload it at sometime soon.

I think, no I know, this week has been very tough.

I sort of hate myself. Every year I go into edaw and people tell me I am doing too much and that I always end up suffering. I tell them that I'd suffer more by not doing it, and that all the support and awareness stuff really helps me.

But every year i end up restricting and self harming.

This year has been completely different. I've still done all the bad stuff but it's not because of the edaw stuff I've been doing, it's because edaw has made me really touch base on where I am and where I'm going.

And in truth. I was messed up before edaw.

Edaw has proved to be an amazingly good thing (in the long run) but a difficult one in the short term. Reading so much about peoples past problems and hearing them so openly type about things has made me, well jealous.

I'm so guarded about things. And I have never properly dealt with things because of it. or maybe its the other way round.

I think what im trying to say is the following:
I can live without the ed, I am in recovery. But i am never going to be totally recovered without dealing with all the stuff.

I like me, I know that i deserve to be looked after and I know that living with an ed is a bad thing and i know I am going to be able to keep fighting it.
But I dont want to keep fighting it. I want it gone completely.

But, when things go wrong. I turn to it.

I turn to it because it's what i know, but it's what I feel i deserve. I deserve the pain and punishment of the ed. I deserve the self harm.

I know I don't? But my brain doesn't know. It automatically takes over!

The reason: because I've dealt with the eating disorder, but I've never dealt with the cause.

It's this reason I get stresses when my life seams uncertain. It's this reason I cut myself when my partner dismisses me. Etc etc

It's not these things that cause a relapse. It's not these, or even edaw, that has caused this current relapse.

It's because i never dealt with what caused the initial lapse and I'm jealous of everyone who has.

That's why edaw is tough. Because I'm jealous of everyone else who is recovered. Because I'm too damn chicken to deal with me.

So what do I do about it?

Haha. Sounds so easy to say deal with it.

I feel like an archeologist who has seen in a sonogram that a skeleton of the missing link is buried under the earth.

It's been buried for so long. Things have been built on top. Years of dirt have been dumped on top of it.

You can't just pull the skeleton out. U gotta prepare, plan. Get everything clear in your head and then start digging. Through all the years of dirt and rubble. All the other ruins that are on top of the thing I am trying to get at.

So what I'm trying to say is that. Edaw has made me realise I need to start digging. To find that missing link.

Anyone able to lend me a spade?

addiction isn't always about doing things to excess

I wasn't sure if I wanted to put this down onto this blog or my ED blog. But I felt that it was a more personal thing than a more ED in general thing. So here goes.

I think, if I wasn't trying to grab a headline I would have labelled this as - What is Anorexia to me?

Its an addiction.

If you speak to anyone about addiction they would say it is abusing something to excess.

I would agree.

But the substance I abuse to excess, is the endorphin and the adrenalin I get from starvation.

Let me be a bit biological (If I was a L'oriel advert, I'd say "here's the science part") and take you back 2 million years (exaggeration maybe).

Humans - homosapions - were hunters. If they were attacked they had a choice... fight or flight.

this is what in more recent times is called anxiety, i think someone once told me.

Ultimately. the body creates a chemical reaction within your body that will help you. To survive. You may have heard that when you starve yourself for prolonged periods of time you will no longer feel hunger. Why do you think this is? because you don't wanna stop fighting someone, or running away from someone, to have a burger. You need to keep running.

How does this work? well I am not massive on biology, but I have always believed that the body/brain released endorphins and also adrenalin and probably a whole load of other enzyme's that will help you carry on your normal way of being. Or more particularly. Your current course of action.

So: I starve to get through a difficult day at work. My brain releases all the gubbins it needs to get me through that task... but other things fall at the way side. The chemicals that allow me to be romantic or loving to my partner, say.
The maternal instincts that allow me to accept my mother
The brain functioning that allows me to thing around subjects and think "outside the box"
and many....many more.

But why do I keep doing?

Because those chemicals that my brain releases, I'm addicted to them. Ok, the cause is an abstinence, but the outcome is chemicals that I like and a feeling that I crave.

I hunger for... well hunger.

People find this hard to understand because they believe an addiction to always be about excess of external chemicals... Caffeine, Cocaine, Nicotine, Alcohol, (even) Food.

But I am addicted to the internal chemicals that the starvation make my body give me.

I would suppose that all of the above drugs also give me the same sort of chemical reaction. But I have found sollice in the starvation. I have found my addiction.

But, there is also a small problem with this fact.

Starvation isn't my only addiction. Let me name a few:

• Work
• Nicotine (although I am on the road to recovery on this one)
• Alcohol (on and off - never really got to alcoholic levels, but I do rely on it sometimes)
• Caffeine (EDAW is sponsored by starbucks, but caffeine tablets have been used before now)
• Sex (in an odd way, which I really don't wanna go into it)
• Exersise
• Texting (odd I know)
• Gambling (again, nothing major - but a problem)
• Self Harm (in a more frequent and more serious way)

Someone once told me too that I was addicted to caring for people. Like I would block out my whole life, all my emotions because I would lay down my life to care and help other people.

But what do all of the above, plus my starvation, have in common? They help me feel like I can get through the day, like I can achieve something, like I don't have to think or face up to anything else. Some are about excess, some are about abuse, some are about just plain old wanting.

But they all fall in, some way shape or form, to a definition of addiction.

It's weird that there is one thing that is missing from the above list and it is the one thing I am most proud of.

Drugs

For a long time I have thought this, long before I was admitted into hospital and really embarked on recovery.

I'm addicted to addictions

I can't get enough of them. Whatever it is, as long as it is something that is going to let me escape, take away my focus, help me get through the damn day, I'll use (and abuse) it.

It is for this one fact that I have never used, in any way shape or form, drugs. I went to Amsterdam for the weekend and used and abused most of the other addictions to great amounts, but I didn't touch drugs.

I am just so scared. every addiction I have had or used has taken me down a route that has been so difficult to pull myself out of. But (i suppose being brought up in a middle class background in an affluent society has made me see this), turning to drugs would be a one way street to nothingness... I would start with Weed, move to whatever then onto the next, then be skint and then who would know? using drugs always felt a little like I would be resolving to death really.


So why do I feel compelled to talk about this at this moment in time?

I keep turning to addictions, I'm addicted to Addictions. WHY?? what is it that is causing me to need them?

I start eating properly, I smoke more.
I stop smoking, I'm drinking more,
I stop drinking I start gambling,
because I'm gambling more, I'm skint so i starve myself to save money (I'm not very good at gambling)

its a circle, if its not one, its the other, if its not the other is the other one.. etc . etc.

I'm running from something, and although I felt like I had dealt with it, I'm thinking I have not.

I have dealt with, but I have not dealt with how its made me feel and think.

What happened in my life has happened. Cant change it.

But I need to change the way I think.

But I can't talk about it tonight.

#EDAW Day 3 - 23.02.11 - What does Recovery actually look like?

For Tonight's post, my blogs are colliding. I am writing the same thing under both headings I currently write under. [Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2011] and also [Random Reflection].

Why am I doing this?

B-eat kicked off EDAW by launching their campaign to gain guidelines for press to follow when doing articles on Eating Disorders. In their four page report, I think it is fair to say, they made everyone re-think what they thought about Eating Disorders. Here are some bullet points:

• B-eat asked if the general public if they could name a type of eating disorder. 72% said anorexia. Only 3% said binge eating.
• Anorexia is the rarest eating disorder, only 10% of cases
• Over 80% of people with an eating disorder are overweight.

B-eat's reasoning for publishing this was to illustrate to the public and also media that putting pictures of emaciated sufferers along with articles, in the name of awareness, is actually harming sufferers. But I think they have made everyone, even people with an Eating Disorder think again and open their minds to what an Eating Disorder looks like.

But, why am I combining my blogs this evening?

EDAW has also made some sufferers start to reflect about where they are in their life, where in their recovery are they?

I am one of those people. In last nights blog under [Random Reflections] I admitted in my blog, and to myself, that I appear to be struggling a lot more than I have realised in recent times. Which brings me, in a rather long drawn out way to the topic of my blog today. What I was thinking about; on the way to, during and on the way home from work today.

What Does Recovery Look Like?

• achieving a healthy weight
• feeling happy
• feeling happy with me
• being able to get through difficult times without resorting to unhealthy coping strategies
• dealing with the past and not letting it hold you back in the now

These were quite obvious really weren't they. It was almost an anti climax.

But what does that actually look like? I have achieved a healthy weight, I am happy and am happy with me, I am able to get through the majority of difficult days and I have dealt with my past, or at least my past does not hold me back. But I am still struggling.

But, the list above is what I would say my recovery looks like. It might be different for other people. Just like the causes and the manifestation of every sufferer are different. Recovery will also be different.

It may comprise of some of the same things, it may be all the same things. But they may take longer, or shorter or they might happen in a different order.

So recovery will look like whatever you need it to?

I would say, probably not.

There is one part of the cause of my illness that I have never spoken to my psychologist about, I have never really spoken to anyone on this earth about it.

Recently I have considered whether this is the one thing that is holding me back, stopping me from crossing the finish line to becoming totally recovered.

But, I have thought long and hard and thought short and soft too. I have thought every single way about things on this one and I had made the decision that I have dealt with it as much as I need to. To speak about it, will be to drag it all up again, to effectively re-live it again. Which could in the short term cause me a lot of distress.

The thing for me was to make sure that this thing is not still eating away at me and is not holding me back. It isn't, I have dealt with it. In fact I hardly ever even think about it - usually only when I am in the midst of a restriction does it enter my consciousness.

For me, I just needed to deal with the ingrained hatred I have for myself because of this and all the other stuff. I have dealt with all of that in my own way. But, when something goes wrong in the world do I always put myself down, always blame me and never open my eyes to think that it might be someone else's fault!?

It is this that I need to deal with.

Why do I mention all of this? because most people - including some of the people I know who will read this blog - will say that I need to talk about all of this, that I need to go through it all to really gain the self acceptance the self esteem to really grab Anorexia by the balls and kill it. I would probably say that if I showed this to my psych they would also say I need to get it all out.

But I don't think I need to. I just need to deal with the outcomes, not the cause.

So recovery doesn't look like what you need it to, well in my case I don't believe it does.

Also, on this point. Every single person in the world who suffers from and Eating Disorder needs to recover. But some people don't recover. Why is that?

probably for many reason. One of the things that really does aid recovery is actually wanting to recovery.

This will probably sound quite weird to someone reading from the outside, but when I went through several attempts at recovery that ultimately failed. I didn't want to recover. I liked what I was doing, it was working, it wasn't scary, I didn't have the strength to beat it.

So, Recovery is, what you want it to be?

Probably not.

Because, 2 years down the line. Although for the right reasons, I made a massive mistake by not talking about everything. Here I am with a job, partner, house, friend and everything to live for. But I am still struggling, I am still being held back by my past. All because I didnt want to do what some people will say I need to do.

But now, after building my life back from nothing, to actually having something to lose. There is a massive risk in dragging it all up, upsetting the balance. But if I dont will I just continue to float, unable to fly?

I'm starting to think this is the case.

I'm not getting anywhere am i? So recovery is what you want and need it be?

I think ultimately.

When you are choose to recover from whatever ED is of your choosing, its like having headphones that are knotted and tangled up.

Recovery is the process of unravelling them - I know you have all been there

There is probably a million different ways of untangling it. But eventually, even if you try and avoid it, you will have to tackle that bloody big massive f**k off knot in the middle that you're dreading.

But once you do, you are able to listen to the sweet sweet music of life.

Maybe Im still no-where near recovery

Following on from last nights pretty lame and moany blog. I have spent a lot of time thinking about "where" I actually am and why it is that I find myself in this awkward predicament.

I sat in work this afternoon (looking at the rain run down the window) and pieced all the things together.

I admit, I am pulling myself out of a post Christmas relapse (the worst relapse since being in the unit two years ago), which might explain why I have the reluctance to talk about the "failures" I make. But I have never really been so closed before. I think this is the problem I have at the moment.

I am open here and on twitter, but in all other aspects of my life I have closed up.

I used to talk to my partner, I used to talk to my psych. But no one knows anything at the moment. My Psych is happy because my weight is going where it needs to be. She seems to have forgotten to ask about the Self Harm.

My Partner, well - Ok I know they have a lot on at the moment - but I shut them out on the relapse quite a bit and I don't think we have really re gained that dialogue since then.

So what am I trying to say... Well basically - I am still unwell.

• My Self Esteem is really low
• My paranoia has come back quite a bit
• I am so anxious
• I cant open up or admit to people about what I am doing, have done or want to do
• I am isolating myself from housemates etc

And those are just the psychological things.

Physically, Im self harming again (and its starting to get worse) and tonight, oh crap, tonight I went for a run.

The running thing isn't too bad because I never lie about the running (oh balls, I need to tell the partner......... just done - sorry will explain that in a bit). In fact I can't lie about the running thing because the App thing on my iPhone automatically adds it to my Facebook profile (a little safety cushion I set up)

just quickly the oh balls bit... when i was in the ED unit, I was made to feel really guilty about running and that exercise was bad, but exercise is good and is an important part of a healthy diet.. so when I came out, i had to overcome a massive barrier of shame about running and wanting to run. Now, i do run (not very often) but i made a promise to myself and my partner that if I went for a run, I would tell them. my partner doesn't judge, they wont comment, its just so that I never feel guilty for running.

So ultimately Ive come to the realisation that I am maybe not doing as well as I thought I was.

Some people will read this and think "Durrrrrr", but honestly, this is a massive admission for me (and obviously anybody going through an illness such as this).

So.... I'm not doing very well. I'm still not very healthy, I'm still struggling with all the things that caused my eating disorder in the first place... I'm just not restricting

Why Can I blog things but not Tell People them?

Think I am having on of those moments when u realise that your not being honest even though you are admitting things.

I wrote last night about self harming and how I was doing it again. I went to bed feeling liberated and like I'd got something off of my chest.... But I didn't really. I blogged it, but I haven't dealt with it have i?

As I sat there today in my Psychology appointment, I talked about things that were upsetting / distressing / stressing me.. But I didn't actually say "So, Ive been self harming again".

My Partner texted me today and asked their normal morning text of how did I sleep and how am i... But i didn't reply "So, Ive been self harming again"

Here I am blogging about it, hiding under a fake name and admitting things to a website that Im not even sure if anyone is reading... and I call it an admission.

Nope, its just a way of making myself feel better without actually having to deal with or face up to the stuff going on in the world.

But then, maybe this blog is being useful, because its making me realise that I actually don't know what is going on in my head and I cant really talk to other (more real) people about it if i don't know what it is... can i?

So, Im self harming, but I don't have a fricking clue why?... aint gonna go down very well is it?

Oh i dunno... it just feels like I need the SH at the moment.

Ok.... this has been a rubbish post. I'm sorry - I promise to spend some time thinking about things and will come back either later tonight or tomorrow night with a blog that is more useful to you lot (whoever you are) and me.

......Thinks.........

*May Trigger* So I started to Self Harm again

Not totally sure why. But I have started to self harm.

I think it started from Thursday. When the girlfriend completely dismissed me, I felt really really low and really worthless and I really wanted to self harm.

Randomly, twitter was able to pull me out of it, but I think twitter was only a temporary fix.

All day Friday all I could think about was the want and the need to self harm. I thought it was just because I was angry and just needed to get things off of my chest. Which is why I posted my post on Friday night.

But it still hasn't helped. I still do feel a lot useless lately, I do feel very sad and very worthless and I just cant pull myself out of it.

Today was the weirdest thing ever though.

I got home from the parents, feeling all positive because I had stood up for myself. Slightly confused by the outcome of the "fact finding mission" but felt ok. sat around for a bit and had dinner. Stood up went to my bedroom and cut again.

It just came from no where.. and I have never ever cut so early in the day before. it is normally an evening last thing of the day type of compulsion.

I just do not know what is going on. Apart from I want to keep doing it and it is sort of consuming my mind.

All I want is to do it again

I stood up for myself

Ok, so a quick recap in case you didn't want to read through the previous post.

This weekend was meant to be spent with my parents looking around the London commuter belt to get an idea of places I might want to live and looking around at houses.
They had taken over and had wanted to go to here there and everywhere completely away from where I wanted to be.

But, i stood up for myself.

I got there and texted them saying "arrived at station, stay where u are I will come to you for a coffee" (they were staying in a hotel near by.

I got there and just made coffee and did the normal catching up type chat and then things moved to what the plan was for the day. queue:

"yeah, im abit confused by that"
"really why?"
"Well I thought we were going to look around places along my train line, but last night the places you mentioned are completely un-helpful to me"
"Oh, we did wonder - where do you want to go then?"

SUCCESS!! and much to my surprise, they were happy to do what I wanted, they were happy to go where I needed and they did not hate me for it.

so, maybe I am worthwhile and maybe i am loved!? Mental

Ive been very angry this week

This week has been quite a difficult week.

I think the confusion of the job (see previous post) has caused a lot of stress, especially as I still havent made my mind, but I still havent heard anything.... which I am waiting to do before I waste anymore time thinking about it.

But I am starting to struggle with things quite a bit too.

Tuesday just got to me because I had no time to myself at all and wasnt able to vent at all, except on twitter (sorry guys). The rest of the week seems to have just gone down hill.

But, the major thing is the conversation I had with the girlf yesterday.

It was all going well, it was all fine. I was opening up about the stress about my job and was about to open up about how it was making me want to self harm and restrict (I never really talk about things pre-empting, just after the event so was a massive thing for me)... and she comes out with - "I dont want to talk about this anymore"... I know at the moment she too is looking for new work and stuff at the moment and it is sort of stressing her out, but I really wanted and needed to talk about it.

To be totally cut down in my prime really really has made me feel worthless. Its made me hate myself for not thinking about her feelings and about how what my moaning may have done to her... so yeah, wasnt a good night last night.

I didnt do anything terribly bad, but I hate myself even more for going through with it.

Today has been abit of a manic day too, i bumped into someone at lunch, who i do really like but when I see them its always abit of a 30minute conversation (they dont take "im in a rush well") so that put me totally behing in work... yes! 30mins for lunch is well too long for my current work situation.... i totally lost control of things this afternoon and just stressed about being so behind on things and just generally being quite out of control.

I think I have managed to get to grips with that, but its really annoying me that to do everything I need in a 9-5 job, i either have to not have a full hour, or im working late every night.

AND THEN... just to top off my whole generally not feeling of worth while ness and just like I dont count anymore.. My parents have taken over my whole weekend!!!!

quick recap - I live and work in buckinghamshire, my girlfriend is going to be working in London the plan is to live in between somewhere so that we can commute either way economically and time efficiently. Me and the rents were going to go stay overnight in a town that would be perfect and then also go and look at another few places that will also work out.

but tonight, i texted them just to say "where are we eating on Saturday" and mum rang me to say that they really want to go here and they have it all planned and yada yada yada... its completely and utterly now not a weekend to put my mind at rest about the whole "leaving my comfort zone etc etc"...

so yeah, am not massively feeling very worthwhile at the moment... Im totally feeling completely worthless and am so so close to  harming again and am pretty much in the restrictive mind set ..... not the mind set I want to be in the friday before Eating Disorder Awareness week,

Grrrrrr

Oh and just to top it all off, ive just started week 7 of my none smoking course, which means I have gone down a nicotein (spelling??) replacement band - ANGER alert

Post Interview Relections

Well, This is probably a wierd thing to do for your first ever blog... But hey, might as well start as I mean to go on.

Basically yesterday I had a job interview and in essence the interview went ok, but it also went terribly.

I was perfect (I am not normally big headed), I said all the things I’d wanted to say and put myself across really well. But I will not get the job. I wont get the job because I am not the kind of person they are looking for.

I am not being down on myself. I just, despite having a lot of experience in the industry, I do not hold a current role within that part and in their eye I do not have a proven track record. Even though I have 5 years proven, just not in my current role.

So, I wont get the job, I don’t think. But I don’t even now think I want the job.

It has totally made me rethink everything and has changed my perspective and everything I have been working towards for the last 3 years.

Ok, so I love my job at the moment but I don’t love the money and I don’t love the location. But there is no major rush in having to find a job. But I do really really want to move, but I am now in two minds as to what direction I thought I wanted to move in.

Sitting in the interview room yesterday discussing the role, I realised that this would be a massive change for me and would be massively pressured. Reflecting on this I am scared. I have done jobs like this before, but have always done them well at the expense of my health.

However, I have now been through an Inpatient stay and am almost nothing up my 3^rd year in recovery, so I am a lot further along since I last did something like this… But it just all feels like a massive risk.

This could all just be pointless, because I don’t think I will get a call back for the job, so its not really worth thinking about… but I am not sure if I was given the chance I would want the job anyways, but I would not be able to turn it down either.

I was thinking before too, am I just doing abit of self preservation. Tell myself I don’t want the job, so when I don’t actually get it, I am not devastated… But then if I do get offered if, I will still accept it.

Or, am I actually just of the mind – I don’t want the job.

Oh who knows… The job is in the location I want, it is the money I want and it is the type of job I want… but I don’t want that job! Weird, I know… Maybe I do want the job and it is abit of self preservation going on.

Ok, so I want the job…. Im just scared… Will I be any good at it? Maybe I don’t have enough experience… Maybe he is right…. Will it be too pressured for me? Will I fall into old habbits of overworking and under eating? Will it just drive me to destruction?

It shouldn’t do, because I have been working for three years for the day when I start this new, and slightly holy grailed, job (whenever it may be)…

So I should be able to cope – when I say cope I mean to be able to be open about how things are and to actually admit difficulties to myself and my friends etc so they can help me through it…. Not actually cope…. But to use healthy coping mechanisms.

So, I want the job, I will cope… Im still scared.

Change!! That’s all it is…. Leaving the comfort of a job where I have top performed for two years… I know everyone and I know the ins and outs of everything… into a new job where I know no one, into a new town where I know few ppl and into something completely different than I have been in before.

Damn… it the change that is scaring me… I shouldn’t be scared of this change, I always knew it was coming… it is a change I have planned for…. But, it all seems real now, It never really seamed like it was going to happen… but now it is, it is scary.

Maybe that’s normal?

Is it?