Where have the last three months gone? I have hardly been about in the internet world at all. I havent blogged in ages and I have used twitter only minimally.
I suppose this can be seen as a good thing, because I really only used twitter to talk about feelings I didn't want to admit openly to friends.
But in a way it is also a bad thing. It has meant that really I have not had that space where I can explore what and why things are going on in my head and I haven't really been able to touch base and take stock of actually how far I have come.
So where am I?
Well since the summer, my life has changed quite abit. I have moved in with the Partner (I will name them L for the rest of this). We have moved into a 1 bed flat that is lovely. L has left uni and has now gotten work in London (an hour and half commute). So life and routine has changed dramatically.
The dynamic has also changed a lot too.
L has been a studennt ever since we have been together. I have always worked and had my own life. Now we have our lives together, but L has the better job and L is the "more successful" carreer person.
This was a abit of a shell shock and has been difficult for me to get over, but it is ok.
I think it was harder, because at the moment I hate my job. It has started to become so boring and so petty. I think maybe the hate was emphasised by the fact that my job is no longer that important.
The problem is that I also feel slightly stuck in my job too. L works in London and commutes back to the house so doesn't get in till 8pm ish. Me on the other hand have a 10minute walk into work. This means that I am able to get home do all the house stuff and get dinner ready for us when L gets in.
If I was to move jobs, I would have to work in London. This would mean us both getting in at 8pm ish, then having to cook and eat. It would mean we would have no life at all.
The other good thing about the set up is that it allows me to do all my charity work, un interrupted before L comes home from work.
It really is the best thing for us.
But is it the best thing for me?
The other thing that has been difficult for me has been weight.
It is not that I want to lose weight, it is not that I want to eat less, it is not that I hate how I look. But I don't seem to be able to keep any weight on at the moment.
I lost a bit of weight when I moved house - almost to be expected. But since then I have been completely unable to get it back on. Even when I have got some of it back on, it comes back off again quite quickly.
I just don't know what it is.
I am eating more than I used to, but I don't feel any overly active than I was before.
The routine is difficult. I used to eat as soon as I got in from work, but now I am not eating til 8pm.
It has been difficult, but i seem to have gotten myself into a routine, but I just can't seem to get into a routine that will allow me to gain and then maintain!
The tough thing is, that all of this just sort of happened. Not because I wanted to lose weight, just because I did lose weight.
Having spent two years not really having to worry about my weight, in the last three months it has come under the spotlight.
This has meant that my ED has put my weight into the spotlight too.
So that evil little childlike voice is back, it is shouting at me saying that I don't need to gain weight.... interestingly it is not telling me to lose weight..... but it aint exactly hot on the idea of gaining either.
Its not critical, but its slightly scary.
L and I have always been close and we have always spoken about things like this. But since we have moved in together, ED wise we are further apart. I feel more alone.
I am not sure how it happened, I am not sure why I have seemed to have clam up on it all. But I have.
I am also not very sure how I am actually going to clamber this back.
I just feel, which I think is a dangerous feeling, alone with my ED.
No comments:
Post a Comment