A weird week

As promised, I am blogging. I am also blogging because I need to and can finally get this off my chest. I haven’t been able to get this off my chest in a my normal life because it sort of opens up a lot of issues if I do.

Anyways. Life took a very unexpected and difficult turn for the worse this week.

After celebrating my birthday over a long weekend off of work, I returned home on Tuesday. While I was away I had been left a few voicemails from an unknown number, so I ignores them and decided to wait until I got back (knowing that no one normally leaves me voicemails if it is urgent).

On Tuesday night I sat at home and listened to three voice mails declaring that the leaver was going to kill me. In fact, if I was to quote. He was going to “poke my eyes out and shove them up my arse”.

I sort of felt a bit scared at this and didn’t really know what to do. Didn’t really know who to turn to either.

The person who left me the messages is the ex boyfriend of a girl I mentor and who I had helped make her decision to leave him. Although according to him, it is all my fault. So on Tuesday night, he came around the house and started Effing and Jeffing at the front door.

I had no other option than to call the police.

As the sirens came around the corner, he ran and hid.

From Tuesday evening through till Friday I had police protection at the house. I continues to get even more scary messages via text and voicemail and it was all getting a little soap like to be honest.

Saturday morning, he was arrested and was given a restraining order. Saturday afternoon I was getting messages again.

Saturday evening he was re-arrested and is now in custody.

I have to say, the police have been amazing. They really have helped to put my mind at rest. They have generally supported me and I have been kind enough to give them top ups of coffee cups as often as I can.

There has been a little sense of lack of freedom and weirdness in my life.

I hate that feeling that although I had no plans to leave the house, I couldn’t easily leave.  I had a complete lack of control or freedom in my life.

Amazingly this has not affected my eating. Self harm has slightly been heightened.

I just feel and felt a bit helpless. The messages were scary and slightly reminiscent of events I have had before in my life.

So, my main problem now is that. I am generally good in a crisis, but after the crisis I am not so good. Now that I am no longer in danger, now that I don’t have a point to prove. I collapse! I then find it easier to justify my ED.

I think I made a rod for my own back by not really telling a lot of people, but I just didn’t really know how to tell people and I sort of didn’t want people to put anyone else in danger.

So, there we are. Weird week. I need to try and fight the feelings this week.

Birthday Blog

I am not writing this for anything other than to get it off my chest. I am not trying to draw attention to my birthday, nor am I looking for more “Happy Birthday, your amazing” messages.

I don’t really like birthdays.

I have never had a bad birthday, but I have never had a good birthday. I just never really bother with my birthday. I just don’t feel like I am worth it, I always feel uncomfortable.

I don’t, and have never, liked being centre of attention. I never feel comfortable when people do nice things for me. I always much prefer to be the person who does nice things for people. This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it, even if sometimes I come across as I don’t. I do, I really do. I just always feel embarrassed and un-worthy.

I had a “Discussion” with the partner this weekend because they were adamant I should go out tonight and I should not stay in alone and make myself even lower than I am already. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I hate putting people out, I just didn’t want to send out messages saying, hey come for a drink for my birthday. It feels like I’m demanding their company, like Im demanding they come and celebrate me. There’s no point, because I don’t feel like I can celebrate me. I just don’t feel worth it.

I know this coming to be a blog about how un worthy I feel, but I suppose this is the sort of feeling I have at the moment. I just feel totally unworthy and my birthday is only compounding it.

That being said… having my birthday today has actually sort of raised my mood (if you didn’t see my tweets yesterday, I basically got diagnosed with depression yesterday – i.e. more so than I usually am) so the constant happy messages have entered my subconscious and I do feel slightly better about myself and I do feel a lot happier than I did a couple of days ago.

Is this just temporary? Who knows…. I think I need to try and remember and focus on some of the nice things people have said today so that I can try and keep my mood happy and keep challenging my self-un-worth.

I’ll give it a go.

Nx