Maybe Im still no-where near recovery

Following on from last nights pretty lame and moany blog. I have spent a lot of time thinking about "where" I actually am and why it is that I find myself in this awkward predicament.

I sat in work this afternoon (looking at the rain run down the window) and pieced all the things together.

I admit, I am pulling myself out of a post Christmas relapse (the worst relapse since being in the unit two years ago), which might explain why I have the reluctance to talk about the "failures" I make. But I have never really been so closed before. I think this is the problem I have at the moment.

I am open here and on twitter, but in all other aspects of my life I have closed up.

I used to talk to my partner, I used to talk to my psych. But no one knows anything at the moment. My Psych is happy because my weight is going where it needs to be. She seems to have forgotten to ask about the Self Harm.

My Partner, well - Ok I know they have a lot on at the moment - but I shut them out on the relapse quite a bit and I don't think we have really re gained that dialogue since then.

So what am I trying to say... Well basically - I am still unwell.

• My Self Esteem is really low
• My paranoia has come back quite a bit
• I am so anxious
• I cant open up or admit to people about what I am doing, have done or want to do
• I am isolating myself from housemates etc

And those are just the psychological things.

Physically, Im self harming again (and its starting to get worse) and tonight, oh crap, tonight I went for a run.

The running thing isn't too bad because I never lie about the running (oh balls, I need to tell the partner......... just done - sorry will explain that in a bit). In fact I can't lie about the running thing because the App thing on my iPhone automatically adds it to my Facebook profile (a little safety cushion I set up)

just quickly the oh balls bit... when i was in the ED unit, I was made to feel really guilty about running and that exercise was bad, but exercise is good and is an important part of a healthy diet.. so when I came out, i had to overcome a massive barrier of shame about running and wanting to run. Now, i do run (not very often) but i made a promise to myself and my partner that if I went for a run, I would tell them. my partner doesn't judge, they wont comment, its just so that I never feel guilty for running.

So ultimately Ive come to the realisation that I am maybe not doing as well as I thought I was.

Some people will read this and think "Durrrrrr", but honestly, this is a massive admission for me (and obviously anybody going through an illness such as this).

So.... I'm not doing very well. I'm still not very healthy, I'm still struggling with all the things that caused my eating disorder in the first place... I'm just not restricting