I have been sat in front of my computer thinking about a title for this blog. Thinking about what is on my mind, what is going on in my head, trying to sum it up into a headline that would express what is going to be expressed in this blog.
There isn’t really a good way to sum it up really, I just feel like a massive ball of confusion at the moment and I think I need to just break it down. Gangsta Styly. LOL (now, I have a title).
When you do wrong by doing what you think & are told is right.
Aka: Working for a large corporation when you are just a number and you are measured by the numbers you produce.
Let me explain a little further. My job is a bit of a mish mash. I am middle management, in that I am in between being a worker and a manager. 50% of my day is managing, 50% is being a worker. The problem with me is that I am bloody good at all the extra things I do and I also really enjoy that part of my job too. I am also bloody good at the work that my team do and am very quick. I however rarely am able to fit in everything I need to do in one day. Because of this I have a delicate balancing act to make every day.
At the end of last year my performance rating for the year was “Top”… Not surprising for an anorexic I suppose. I work every hour possible I strive for perfection in everything I do and the end of 2010 this was duly noted and recognised.
Going into this year, my manager and I had a conversation about how I can continue to be a top performer. The two things that resonate in my brain from this conversation were:
· To be a top performer, working extra hours and going the extra mile to almost necessary
· You were top performer last year due to an opportunity that you rose to, this opportunity might not come about this year, so you have to look and act like a top performer from everything down to your appearance.
So, I have to work extra hours and I have to look my best… That’s what my (at the time not so healthy) brain heard.
Fast forward two months. I’m on my way out of a relapse, I’m still really struggling. Work wise, although the management side of things have been fine. My “worker” part has suffered and my quality has gone down so much that I am effectively on a performance improvement plan.
Needless to say, this has done nothing for my self-worth and general opinion of who I am. All because I thought I was doing the right thing. I’ve worked every single hour possible. I’ve looked my best every day. But I got the balance completely wrong.
When geographical distance creates an emotional distance.
Aka: I just keep putting things off because I can get away without talking about it.
Ever since I started my relationship with my partner they have been at University. I know what I was letting myself in for. I didn’t want a long distance relationship, but I also didn’t want to lose the love of my life.
In fairness over the last 3 years we have been together we have been through worse, we have been further away from each other (The partner studies in Russia for a year). But at the moment it just feels like there is a distance between us. Like we don’t really know what is going on in each other’s lives.
We grab the odd moment’s chat here and there but I never seem to get the words out exactly about how I am feeling.
My partner is the closest person to me in the world. They know more about me than my psych does. But I just can’t seem to break down my barrier at the moment that stops me talking about my current struggles when they are happening.
· My Partner doesn’t know how bad my relapse got (my weight got back up to normal before I saw them again)
· My partner knows I have self harmed because they saw them, but we have not spoken about why and when, or have we spoken about how often it has happened. (A lot of my cutting at the moment is light so is heeling quite well).
· My partner knows I am not sleeping well and I am having really bad nightmares. My partner comforts me when I wake up in the middle of the night when we are together, but she doesn’t know what these nightmares are. She doesn’t know what is causing it all.
· My partner knows I am stressed at work but she does not know that I am on an improvement plan.
I cannot and will not blame my partner for not knowing the reasons why. It is my fault. I’m a closed book at the moment, locked shut and will not open up at all.
When no answer seems to be the right answer
Aka: life is a wonderful thing, but couldn’t it just give me one break please?
The wanting a new job and wanting to move house dilemma.
Let me start by saying there is a plan. It’s just not completely set in stone yet and it is not really a plan that either me or my partner like.
Let me break this one down a little (because I work in finance, in bullet points)
· My Partner graduates in summer
· We are going to live together
· I work an hour out of London, but my partner is more likely to find work in London
· To live together easily we need to move somewhere between
· I really want to work in London and live closer to London.
· My partner doesn’t yet have a job to go to
· I don’t want to live in my current house in the summer (Housemates getting married – long story)
The problem is that short of my finding a new and more amazingly paid job, we are not going to be able to live anywhere where we want to without getting an income from my partner. This means we are pretty much stuck either apart, skint or in the house where I am. This has several problems.
I feel like
1. I have failed and cannot provide
2. I am not making any compromise, not moving job or house or life
3. That I really don’t want it to happen but there is no really choice at the moment.
4. (because of the whole work situation) I am never going to be able to move up or onwards on my career path
5. I am useless
I just hate the whole thing. I wish I could afford to support us living in a flat together, but the only way I could do this would be to not eat!
I sort of am disappointed and annoyed that my partner hasn’t spent much time looking for work (even though they still have a degree to try and earn)
I am just fed up with it all and just want something miraculous to happen that will change the impending doom of being a couple living with a newly married couple (which incidentally sounds a lot better than the idea of me living here on my own when they are married).
But there just doesn’t seem to be a better option, even though it doesn’t feel like the right option… Meanwhile I will keep playing the lottery.
When you realise you were wrong all along
Aka: previous blogs and EDAW made me realise that I really need to go through some difficult therapy sessions to really get over the Eating Disorder.
FYI – Am no further along the road of making that step.
As I said at the very top of this blog, I am a massive ball of confusion and bad feelings at the moment. I can’t seem to pull myself out of the cycle I am stuck in. I just can’t seem to speak out to people I need to. I’ve shut my entire support network out and trying to unravel and bring anyone up to date with everything just feels impossible. I just don’t feel like I can do it, despite the fact that I don’t even want to. If I did want to, I don’t think I could.
I can’t admit my shames, embarrassments and failures. I’m just not that strong anymore.
When you do wrong by doing what you think & are told is right.
ReplyDeleteWhat resonates with me in this section is that you have felt pressure – whether from yourself or from your boss, to meet high expectations set by your performance last year. I wonder if giving this kind of top performance might have contributed to the relapse that you’re now on your way out of? Certainly you can’t be expected to perform to the same level if you are/have been unwell…and I would say that the way out of a relapse is far more challenging than the way in. So try not to be as hard on yourself for not meeting such high expectations.
It also strikes me as strange, but then I don’t and never have worked in the corprorate world, that you would have such a formal performance ‘rating’. What strikes me particularly is what you held on to from the conversation: that you may not have new opportunities to rise to this year, but that you expect yourself (and your manager expects you?) to maintain a standard of work which sounds, to an outsider, like superhuman effort and commitment.
When geographical distance creates an emotional distance
I can understand this. I think it’s hardest to share difficult things with those closest to us, and I think that is made worse when we don’t see that person as often as we’d like. In your situation I know I would feel like the moments we did have together were precious, and I wouldn’t want to ‘spoil’ them by talking about something difficult. I also think that every person you choose not to tell is a way of trying to protect yourself from that pain that you know is there, and maybe the thought of telling your partner is too painful at the moment. You don’t need to confront it until you’re ready. But maybe keeping your partner in on how you feel might help….explaining that things are difficult but you’re not ready to talk about it yet. At least that will reassure them that you are not withdrawing from the relationship, and that the distance (which they will probably sense too) is nothing to do with them.
When no answer seems to be the right answer
This is difficult, and forgive me if this sounds a bit sexist but I have often found amongst my male friends that they feel a pressure to ‘provide’ for their partners, even though society and most women no longer expect (or want) this. I don’t know what your partner expects or wants, but it sounds like living in a flat together that is financially supported by you is not feasible at this time. I’m sure you know but I’m going to tell you anyway, that does NOT make you useless! Your ideal living situation sounds like it would be possible if your partner were able to contribute….and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that.
When you realize you were wrong all along
It sounds like you need real support at the moment…I can understand why you’ve shut people out and why you feel embarrassed and ashamed, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. Could you tell just one person, perhaps your partner, what’s really going on?
Hiya Katie, Thank you for being so obedient and reading and commenting. I have read, but I need to digest.
ReplyDeleteHowever I agree I do need support at the moment, but for that to include speaking to someone and telling them just makes me clam up and shut the world out.
I sort of feel like the whole world is out to get me at the moment. Like they all know my secret and are trying to get me to trip up and spill my guts.
Thank you though, I will probably read this again later on when I am more awake.
Nobody is out to get you, but heck I know exactly how that feels. I also know how it feels to think that everyone and everything is trying to trip you up, but I think that feeling is created by trying to hold it all in.
ReplyDeleteIf sharing with the 'real' world is too overwhelming, what about here, or in an email?
Good luck today :)